DUMBLEDORE DEAD!
By Rita Skeeter
This morning the DMLE has released a statement that Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore died in the early hours of the eighteenth of August. Readers should remember Albus Dumbledore was revealed to be the mastermind behind the quadruple murder at The Three Chases which occurred on the first of this month when two men loyal to Albus Dumbledore attempted to assassinate Heir Hadrian Slytherin. After which Albus Dumbledore went on the run for the past two weeks and we have all lived in fear of another disaster like the one that happened there.
In the weeks since then more and more has been revealed showing that Albus Dumbledore is not the man we all thought he was. Indeed, he is a kidnapper, child abuser, suspected of committing line theft against at least two Lords of the Wizengamot, embezzling from both Hogwarts and a child in his care, and has conspired to commit least four counts of murder that we know of so far.
So, I think I speak for all the Wizarding World that we can all rest easy in our beds knowing that Albus Dumbledore can cause no further harm to our world.
Albus Dumbledore was killed attempting to kidnap Heir Slytherin. A wardborer was somehow planted in Malfoy Manor. The DMLE is appealing for any information on how this came to be and urges anyone with information to come forward.
Five individuals have been apprehended for taking part in the attack – Joshua Bulman (32, Auror); Valerianus Crim (42, Auror); Faustina Long (42, Potions Master); Sapphire McNaughton (26, Cursebreaker); Anastasius Peacock (33, Unspeakable). Amelia Bones is interested in interviewing another four who may be involved – Elphias Doge (113, Lord of the Wizengamot); Hestia Jones (38, Department of Floo Maintenance); Coralia Quincey (77, Former Head of the DRCMC). There is also an unknown witch who is wanted for question – estimated to be 50 – 70, walks with a limp, dark hair (artist rendition is included at the bottom left.)
Lord Lucius Malfoy is currently recovering from Fiendfyre – Dark elemental magic – at St Mungo’s. Lucius Malfoy, we should remember is Heir Slytherin’s lover and sire to his unborn child. For his children and lover’s sake we wish him a speedy recovery.
Mr Sirius Black is also in a coma from unknown causes. Sirius Black was convicted of being a Death Eater and betrayer of Lord and Lady Potter, but the DMLE have recently revealed that there were inconsistencies in that case which has been reopened and given his recent behaviour at The Three Chasers it is believed he is innocent of all charges.
From this we would assume that Albus Dumbledore was killed by the Aurors after Dumbledore and his followers dispatched Black and Malfoy. However, a source in the DMLE has revealed that the body of Albus Dumbledore was removed from the premises with seventeen stab wounds. This is hardly in line with what the Aurors would normally be do? And if it was, they were acting out of bounds.
If it wasn’t the Aurors, how did Albus Dumbledore come to be in such deplorable shape?
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