In July

7.Rest In Peace

Ana

2 Years Ago....

"You look so pretty in blue. I should buy you some blue lingerie."
I laughed, well it was more of a cackle, "You couldn't afford it." I winced at my own words. He looked at me like I just stomped on his favorite sneakers. "See that right there, that's your fucking problem Anabelle. You're always trying to change me, I don't have money like your mommy does! Thats why neither one of you can keep a man. You don't know a good thing if it bites you in the ass." I thought I went too far but Chris definitely takes the cake every fucking time. "Being a bum isn't being yourself, that's just being lazy. You think all you have to do for me to be happy is not cheat, and even then you couldn't do that right!" we looked at each other in shock. We had't spoken about it since we got back together. "I promise you, I only want you." he said as tears welled up in his eyes, "I would never cheat on you, we weren't together. I didn't think we would ever get back together, I didn't know you knew her, let alone that you were related. I don't want to lose you or what we have!".  We had been together on and off since high school, up until he went on that vacation we had only ever been with each other. It ate me up inside, I would wondered if she was better than me. Was her body more enticing to him than mine? Was she softer than I was? I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror behind him. I looked so weak. My hair was the most damaged it had ever been, after straightening it for so long just to please him. I stood there, in a blue dress that I bought specifically for this dinner to meet his parents. What was wrong with me? Maybe she asked for less, expected less...In that moment I realized; he could never handle a woman like me. I'm not the problem. Men are taught that they are supposed to be enough as they are, and that we need to "fix ourselves up" to fit their standards. I took my dress off, I tied my hair back and I walked toward him. A single tear fell down his cheek and I wiped it away. He didn't have any right to cry. He was shirtless, he looked so vulnerable. I kissed his chest, moved up to his neck and then he grabbed my face and kissed me. I kissed him deeper, knowing this would be the last time that I would ever allow him to feel me in this way ever again. I wasn't sad, I was angry. Angry that I hadn't come to this realization before, angry that I let myself fall so far into this chaotic fantasy. That's what it was, a fantasy, this love wasn't real, we had just been together for so long that it felt like a waste if we just let it go. I deserved better, but in that moment I didn't want better. I wanted him, one last time. He closed the door, undressed and rushed back to me, I took off my underwear before I could realize what I was doing and change my mind. I left my bra on, I was too self conscious about my breasts. He didn't smell like anything, just soap and deodorant. I shoved him on the bed and he looked up at me, naked and surprised but excited. "Lay down." I said softly. "Why don't you bend over-", I interrupted him, "I said lay down Chris." he looked scared, his dick softened a bit. I stroked him, looking at him in his eyes, so he could remember what he could have had. I sat on his lap, letting him insert himself in me. Our bodies fit like matching puzzle pieces. I hadn't seen his face of pleasure before. He looked like he was ready to bust already. I rode him slow, taking my time and moving however I pleased until I reached an orgasm, and I didn't have to fake it this time. I didn't wait for him to cum, I got up. He looked at me confused, "Where are you going?". I laughed, man it felt good to get mine and not give a fuck about him. "Tell that weak bitch to finish you off. I don't do sloppy seconds.".I got dressed, looked at myself in the mirror, let my hair down and walked out. That drive home was euphoric, I smoked a blunt when I got home. Rest in peace to that bitch he thought I was.