This Kiss

Chapter 42

Rafe had been thinking most of the barbecue. He wondered where his mother was. He felt bad for telling her he would walk out of her life. He wanted to tell her he was sorry. That he loved her no matter what. That he was angry about her life choices but that he could never truly write her out of his life. So, he left the barbecue and went to the house hoping to find her.

As he reached the farmhouse, he noticed her car still in the driveway. He didn't know exactly what he was going to say, but he knew he needed to apologize. He wasn't going to except her and Olivia, but he didn't want to lose his mother either. He stepped onto the porch, took a deep breath, and pounded on the door. After several knocks and receiving no answer, he got the key from under the mat and let himself in.

Walking in, he noticed the house was dark, and quite, too quite. He made his way through the living room and into the kitchen. Still no sign of his mother. He turned on his heel and marched up the stairs. Something drew him to open up every door. First was his bedroom, opening the door he found it exactly as he left it, including the clothes on the floor. He was surprised his mother hadn't picked them up or made the bed. Next he opened Olivia's old bedroom door. Finding it in perfect condition but no sign that Olivia actually stayed in it. A sickening feeling entered his stomach as he realized she stayed in his mother's bedroom now. He made his way down the hall and opened Emma's door. He looked around. The room was perfect for any little girl. Pink and purple everywhere, stuffed animals lining the perfectly made bed. He noticed her 'My Two Mommies' project laying on her desk. Picking it up he thumbed through it again. As he read and looked at the pictures, he realized that they were a family, and he hated it. Setting the report back down he left the child's room, closing the door behind him.

Lastly he opened the door to his mother's room. He knew she wouldn't be there. The moment he stepped onto the second-floor landing and found it quite, he knew his mother wasn't in the house. Slowly he stepped into the room. He glanced around. Seeing pictures of himself, Emma, Ava, and his mother and Olivia lining the dresser and the bed side tables. Looking around it was clear that this was his mother and Olivia's shared space. Just before he turned to leave, he noticed the envelope sitting on the bed with Olivia's name written in his mother's handwriting. He sat on the edge of the bed and picked it up. He knew it was wrong to open it, but he hoped he would find answers to his mother's whereabouts hidden inside. Carefully he opened it and pulled out the letter with shaking hands. He took a deep breath, unfolded the letter, and began to read.

My Dearest Olivia,

The first thing I need you to know, and to understand fully, is that I love you. My heart beats for you my darling. I have never loved anther the way I love you. Yes, I loved Gus. I loved him dearly, and a part of me always will. But I loved him with an adolescent heart. Held onto him with a child's dream. He was not my true love. He gave me my son, and I wanted a real family with him, but even when I got him, he wasn't mine. His heart belonged to Harley; I knew that. I used to believe that God sent Daisy to me to bring me Gus, to give me the family I had always dreamed about, to give Rafe his father, now I know, that I was wrong. God brought me here to find you. What are the odds that he was a match for you? God had a plan for me, and it was you. It was always you. I was meant to find you, and to love you. With you I have the family I thought I would have with Gus. We have an almost blinding love, we have two beautiful daughters, the only thing missing is our son. I remember the first time you called him that. Even as angry as he was at you, you told me he was our son. You told me you would always be there for him, no matter how mad he was. He was like Emma and Ava, ours. I will never forget the way my heart leapt in my chest when you referred to my son as your own. No one has ever wanted to take responsibility for him, no one ever truly cared. Gus did, but more out of obligation than anything else. He loved his son, I know that, but it was different. You my love, you wanted to be his mother and care for him as much I do. You wanted to give him what he needed, even if that meant sleeping separate from me, getting up early, and leaving the house as quick as possible. You did so much for him while he was in jail. I know my love, I know everything. I know when he first went in and was blaming me for turning him in, that your, "gentle as a lamb" approach, was really you yelling at him for treating me so poorly. I know that you made sure he always had money on his account. I know that you made sure he was moved to a safer location when he was being abused, because you already loved me, and by extension, him. I know that you paid every lawyer fee, and paid yours double, and talked to Doris to get him into the halfway house and then released. I know you did everything you could for him, because he truly is your son in your heart, just as Emma and Ava are my daughters. I love you so much more for that. Now, for the true purpose of this letter. My sweet, loving, caring, forgiving, big hearted, Olivia. I have to ask you for understanding and forgiveness once more. You forgave me for locking you in a bathroom and costing you the first heart, I hope you can forgive me now. I have to leave for a while my love. Yesterday I was asked to make an impossible choice. I was asked to choose between two of the four people I love most in this world. You and our children are my heart, losing one of you would be like losing a part of myself. I can't do that. I have to figure this out. My son asked me to walk away from you, if I don't, he will walk away from me. I can't allow that. He is my son. No matter the things he's done, or how pig headed he is acting right now, he is still my son. And you, you are still the love of my life. I could no more walk away from you then I could him. That's why I am choosing to walk away from you both. Not forever, just for a little while. I have to find a way to bring peace to our family. To make Rafe understand. The problem is, I can't do that when I don't understand myself. Yes, I have made peace between loving you and my religion. I have spoken to God a million times over and I know you are the person he has chosen for me. However, that doesn't make it any easier to understand. God is love, I know that, and what we have is the truest love I have ever known, but the church, the doctrine I have always believed in, says this is not right, that it's unnatural. I don't believe that, but I also don't understand all of this. I have to get a real understanding of this for myself so that I can help Rafe understand and bring our family together. You said I couldn't lose my son or we wouldn't make it, you were right. When he said if I stayed with you that he would leave me for good, my heart broke into a million pieces. For two reasons, first because I couldn't fathom a world where my son was not in my life, and second because I couldn't imagine my life without you, and I had to choose. I refuse to do that. I will not lose you, and I will not lose him. I love you Olivia, with all that I have and all that I am. Please understand my leaving. Please understand that I have to fix this, I have to make this right. I will return to you my love, I promise. I don't know how long I will be gone. I can't return until I have a solution. Please keep my love with you always. Let it wrap around you like a blanket to keep you warm in my absence. Tell Emma I love her with all my heart. Make sure she understands that I did not leave her, just as I did not leave you. Please my love, don't think I am everyone from your past that left you. I am not. I am leaving because if I don't you will. I know you. If I would have told you about Rafe, you would have left. You would have walked away from me so I didn't lose him. I couldn't allow that. I couldn't lose you. When you feel lost and lonely, reread this letter. Remember I am coming back. Remember that I would never leave you. Remember my love for you. Think of my return. Think of how wonderful our life will be when I come back and fix things with Rafe. Think of our wedding day. Picture me walking down the aisle to you. That my love, that day, the day I can't wait to live with you, that is why I'm leaving. Our wedding day will be the happiest day of my life, aside from the day Rafe was born. I love you. I love you so much. I know you will watch over Rafe while I'm gone. He will be upset and bitter, but you won't care. You will be what you've always been, his mother. You will love him from afar and keep him safe, like you always have. I love you for that. Give Emma extra hugs and kisses for me. Tell her every day that I love her and that I will be home as soon as I can. Oh, and dear, send the laundry to the Beacon, we don't want all the whites to be pink. I hope you can forgive me for this and will be here when I return. I love you my sweet, forever.