So This Is Love?

Part 24: WWMD?

His stomach was churning faster than ever and it was making him sick.

At first, he just wanted to fuck with Freema- keep her at bay for the fun of it.

But he quickly realized that he hasn't been keeping her at bay because it's fun torturing her.

He's keeping her at bay because he's scared.

He's scared to start over again with her.

He's terrified that once he does it'll only be a matter of time before he ruins it all over again.

Hurting not only Freema, but now Gracie. He sits on a bench just outside the staging area- head in his hands and rocking as the cold November wind whips at the windows. Her heels click down the linoleum flooring and he finds them in front of him.

"Room for two more?" He hesitantly looks up at her- Gracie happily snuggled in her arms- and he nods, but never actually says anything.

It's odd between them. Their natural chemistry somehow obliterated.

"Here, why don't you go to Daddy." She hands him the child without even confirming that it's okay to do so- and she sits close to him on the bench. The little girl looking up at him- a neutral face about her.

He thought maybe after two weeks of doing diapers and singing to her- getting up in the middle of the night that she would at least smile at him, but she doesn't even do that.

"What's going on? Hm?" She asks him and he just continues to look down at the baby. "Ry?"

His mouth is dry and his chest hurts horribly.

"Is it your heart? Are you tired? I know you two were up late last night for a late feeding- which I appreciate by the way." Her hand rubs up and down his back as she looks him over. "Is it Dave? I mean, he is sort of cranky- but he has a point about scene flow. It'd be one thing if..."

"I can't do it- Freema." He cuts her off and she just looks at him oddly.

"Do what?"

"K..." Shutting his mouth up tight- he doesn't dare say it.

It would crush her.

"Kiss me? You can't kiss me?" Closing his eyes, he stills and hangs I'm his head low. "Are you...are you just mad at me? Are you not...not attracted to me any more?"

He winces- her words hurting him dearly.

"I know I'm not as tone as I used to be...and my arse is starting to sag slightly—but I'm trying to maintain my health and fitness. It's just some of the exercises hurt me- my insides are still all out of whack. So I understand if I've lost that appeal for you. I am trying..."

"Freema..." It's too late to stop her. She's already a ball of anxiety, spiraling down the rabbit hole of possibilities.

"If it's not attraction...is it because I have been moody lately? I don't mean to be. I know I flip out some times or am over emotional, but my hormones are still elevated and my breasts are constantly sore from being overly full..."

"Freema..." He tries again, but now she's going to a deeper level of insecurities and it hurts him horribly.

"It's because I've been a disappointment...isn't it?" Her voice cracks in her throat and she shakes as she reveals all that's bothering her. "I haven't been arousing you or trying to be intimate since Africa. I just...I want to be intimate- truly, I do. I just don't feel...sexy. I know watching child birth was probably the least sexy thing you could witness and I agree...I just...every time I want to try to lay with you and...and do stuff I keep worrying that I'm just repulsive and that you don't want to touch me ever again. That's probably why you haven't kissed me like you used too. Cause I'm repulsive and you don't want me any more— not after watching the disgusting show. I don't blame you...I wouldn't want to touch or kiss me either. And GOD I keep forgetting to set things right with the media- so that probably makes you feel like shit as well- like I don't care about you or something- but that's not true! Because I love you and I wish I was still desirable for you and could..."