His Burden, His Blessing

Breaking Point

What does that mean?

Two years of marriage, two years of giving my body to him, only to hear him say this?

Once his words hit my heart, I ran into the bathroom, I sobbed my heart out.

I wasn't enough for him!

I wasn't beautiful enough for him!

He has no ounce of love for me.

I'm just someone he married. Someone he has sex with to fulfill his needs.

All these thoughts hit me at once. All the time I convinced and told myself that it was alright, he'll come along, all the times I pushed back the things he had said or done to hurt me, hit me all at once. The pain in my chest became unbearable.

I sobbed out all the pain and hurt, clenching my aching chest. I didn't want him to hear me, so I switched on the tap, so that it would swallow the sound of my pain.

I wished it would wash away my heart ache, just like it washed away the sound of my pain.

After I had cried my heart out, I knew I had reached my breaking point. That I was done!

In the two years we have been married, he's never smiled, teased, complimented or even looked at me for more than a minute. It hurts, it hurts really really bad. But I have come to terms with the fact that he was just a person like that.

But over the months, I have become sexually frustrated. From the time the both of us had started having sex together, I've never orgasmed, not even once. And he has never bothered to ask about it.

I'm trying in this marriage, I really am. But can a marriage really work out with just one person working on it?

The answer is a simple yet striking no!

You can not peddle a bicycle with just one leg. You need both legs to push and work on the peddle for the cycle to move forward.

I can't be the only one trying here. I think its about time that I give up hope on this marriage. This is going nowhere.

Apparently I don't turn my husband on anymore. I scoffed. Then how the hell was he able to have sex with me before?

If anyone wasn't turned on, it was me. Everytime this man wants to have sex ,I always have to lubricate myself with a gel and he has the audacity to tell me that I don't turn him on.

And I know why! All these months, I've been fooling myself and thinking that he has no problem with the way I look.

I mean, he's been having sex with me right?!

I believed that he found me attractive enough for him to be turned on. But apparently I never did.

Maybe he was only turned on because he watched porn without my knowledge prior to us making love.

Anyways, what's done is done! I had two ways to go about this situation.

I could go straight up to him, cry, yell, slap him and create a huge drama showing him how much he hurt me. It would be me showing my weakness.

Or,

I could just go up to him and talk to him with an apathetic face, just like his. Show him that I wasn't hurting as badly as I am but rather disappointed.

And I decided to go with the second one!

***

I walked up to our room, intending to end this once and for all. Because I was tired! I was tired of him pushing me away. And him saying something like this was the last straw. I always tried to stay positive and had convinced myself to derive happiness from the little things he does. And I was okay with that!

He didn't have to treat me like a queen. Maybe because I don't deserve to be. Only slim beauties have that privilege. I would be happy if he treats me with respect and supports me. We could be like roommates.

It'll be hard, but I'll learn, if not then I'll convince myself and if both are not possible, I'll force myself.

I thought to myself on my way from the bathroom to our room.

"Zeyansh! All these months, I took pride in the fact that my husband was someone who didn't put looks before a person's personality. And now I know that it's a lie. No matter what I do, you are not going to accept me. I understand and it's fine. I would rather you respect me and this marriage. I'll always be a wife to you. I'll always care about you and-

And I'll always love you.Though you will probably not care for me or treat me like a queen, that's fine. You're a good man and that's more than enough." I told him, sniffing in between.

I didn't want to talk to him further nor hear anything from him. So I headed straight to bed, laid down on my side with my back facing him.

"Also, I will attend that office party of yours. So don't worry about me skipping it."

***

The next morning was gloomy. I was sad and felt broken. I was so broken that I couldn't even muster up a fake smile. I felt numb.

I woke up really early today so that I can finish of my duties and leave before him.

Yes, I was avoiding him!

I only made breakfast and lunch for him since I wasn't in the mood to eat. I didn't write a note because why should I? Writing that note would mean I'm trying to have him love me while cooking for him would mean I'm just a girl who cares for her roommate.

And I would rather be the latter.

I had to go shopping for the party. So I knew I had to take a half day permission.

Today was going to be tiresome and I didn't know if I was ready.

***

At 12 in the noon, Zeyansh texted me the address and time. He said he would arrive there directly. So if I finish shopping by 5, then I can have my friend Abinaya help me with getting ready. i brought a red saree that had matching red blouse. My hair was styled in waves and Abinaya helped me with my makeup.

I applied my Sindoor and put my mangalsutra out. Even if we are not in good terms, I value my marital symbols. I just love wearing them and it has nothing to do with religious or sentimental value.

When I got into the car, I told myself many times to not expect any sort of compliment from Zeyansh. Because I knew that if I hoped, I would only be let down, like always.

I took in deep breathes as I reached the venue. I got down from my car, handed the keys to the valet and left to find my husband.