Dance With the Father

Childhood Memories

"His death happened all of a sudden. But I realized he didn't die at all; he actually left a part of him in me―a part of him lives through me. My father is alive in my heart and in my memories."

I love my father, though I cannot recall memories with him back when I was younger. The only memories I have of my father are mostly from my high school days up until early adulthood. The way my mom tells stories of how close I was with my father only proves the strong bond we had back then. My mom also told me that she once wanted to leave my dad permanently when I was still a toddler. That time, she said that she asked me to go with her, but I refused and insisted to be with Papa. She would always tell me this same old story whenever she teases me about how close I was with my father. But of course, I can no longer remember those times. The only way I could have glimpse of my childhood memories is through the pictures of me together with my father. There's this one particular photograph of us which never fails to amaze me. Imagine how big of a man he was and in contrast, he was tightly holding my tiny right hand while walking together at the park. It is my favorite picture with my father because it showed two sides of him: he was big and tough, yet gentle and protective.

From these vague memories I have of him, I was certain that my father is willing to give anything that I will request from him. But growing up, I was that little girl who habitually checks first the price tag of a toy or anything I like before asking my parents to buy it. My mom told me another story when there was an Adidas shoes that my father bought for me. Like I always do as a kid, I asked the price first before he buys it for me. Upon knowing from my mom that it was quite expensive, I said "Huwag na lang 'yan Mama." But my father still bought the shoes for me. It was nice hearing these stories of how my father showed his love for me. But of course, it is still heartbreaking because I prefer to hear it directly from him. We may be close in certain ways, but it is not the type of relationship wherein I can openly say what I feel toward him. I was afraid to disappoint my father; I was afraid that he may not approve the things I like. Nonetheless, he provided my needs and even the things that I wanted.

One unforgettable manifestation of this was back when I was in second grade—Tamagotchi became the "in" toy that time. A lot of kids want to have that virtual pet; so did I. My father promised that he will buy me a Tamagotchi under one condition—I need to get a good grade in Mathematics. But to me, what my father was asking is next to impossible. I am not anywhere near good with numbers. I was certainly going to get a low grade, so I didn't expect to get a Tamagotchi in turn. The moment my father received and reviewed my report card, he immediately saw my low grade in Mathematics. (Quick trivia: Ironically, Mathematics is my father's favorite subject. He received repetitive awards as Best in Mathematics when he was young.) But to my surprise, he still gave me a Tamagotchi. Can you imagine that? It was that point when I realized I must be a spoiled child.

It is indeed difficult to recall childhood memories; however, it just came to me that I also learned a lot from my father. Most of my interests were highly influenced by Papa. The things that I enjoy doing such as my choice of favorite movie as a kid was because of him. My father had me watch The Sound of Music, starring Julie Andrews and Christopher Plummer. He even bought a "Betamax" tape so that I can watch it whenever I want to. He also had me watch Merlin, starring Sam Neill. I enjoyed these movies just as how my father enjoyed them. Aside from movie genre preference, he also influenced my sudden interest with cross-stitching; yes, you read it right. My father decided to cross-stitch seven lucky horses (Unfortunately, he didn't finish it.). I also told Papa that I also wanted to cross-stitch, so I began doing the piece of Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs. But just like my father, I did not finish it. We stored it somewhere in the house. Prior to cross-stitching, my father also loves making big jigsaw puzzles. He finished a lot of 800- to 1000-piece puzzles. All these works were framed and displayed around the house. Another form of puzzle that my father liked to answer were word puzzles. He engaged me in answering logic puzzles, too. These were the times during my childhood that I surely enjoyed. It was the time when I once had a strong bond with my father. These were the good memories that I wish I can relive again.

There was another memory of my father that I particularly enjoy reminiscing. You now know that Papa is quite particular with my academic performance, but there was this one time when he personally set me up to ditch a class and be absent from school. He was bound to go to one of the construction sites located at Mariveles, Bataan that day and surprisingly, he decided to bring me with him because he wanted me to experience riding the ferry boat going to Bataan. By that time, I realized that my father may not be as strict as I thought he was. I realized that he wanted to be there for me every time I experience new things in life. He wanted me to experience what it's like to travel via ferry, with him. He wanted to be there and witness how I live my life.

How I wish I had more chances to create a ton of fun memories with him while I was still young. How I wish I could remember every fun memory that I had spent with my father... because right now, it feels like I am slowly losing him in my memory. I am afraid that one day, I'd wake up and forget everything about him. Up to this moment, I am holding onto him through letting myself undergo grief, loneliness, and despair. It seems like it's the only way I can do to remind myself that he will never come back; the first man who loved me unconditionally will never return.

What was your father like when you were young? What were your fun childhood memories with your father? If you were not able to spend time with your father while growing up, what could have been the memories you'd like to have with him? What memories that you didn't have with your father would you like to experience with your kids (or kids in the future)?

"His death happened all of a sudden. But I realized he didn't die at all; he actually left a part of him in me―a part of him lives through me. My father is alive in my heart and in my memories."

"For behold, I create new heavens and a new earth; and the former things will not be remembered or come to mind." - Isaiah 65:17