Dance With the Father

Yes, There Are Bad Days

"The memories of my father showing his worst side may not be the best to keep ― my father was difficult to love during those times. But still, I chose to love him despite his flaws. Yes, I loved my father during those bad days."

Have you ever wished to forget bad memories? It's ironic why bad memories seem to stay and haunt you forever, while the good memories fade away so quickly and easily. We are aware that people suffer from traumatic experience. These experience haunt them through nightmares and most of the time ties the person down underneath. And sometimes, the harder we try to look back at our memories in the past, the worst ones comes rushing first before any of the good memories. Well, if you would ask me whether I'd rather forget those bad memories―may be yes; may be not. If it is something that would remind me of my father, I will hold tight to it―good or bad, because it is the only way for me to know that my father ever existed in this world.

Ergo, yes―there are bad days. It was not only the good memories that I remember. And let me begin to run it down with the usual ones. I remember the first time my father spanked me as his way of imposing discipline unto me―the classic corporal punishment we never enjoyed back when we were kids. But lucky for me, it was the first and the last. I was so terrified to make my father angry again, so I did my best not to be on his bad side. Although he didn't hurt me again physically, there were bad days when he would not speak to me and my mom, especially when he had problems. He would not talk to my mom or at rare times, he would have my mom solve the problem on her own.

There was also a time when I once witnessed my father snap. He hurt my mom back when I was in high school, and I wish to not elaborate how it happened but I was so afraid of him that time. Life was quite difficult during those days. Our family is basically living through the aid of other people. If my mother will not ask her closest friends to lend us money, I would not have finished high school. The income of my parents were not enough to sustain the lifestyle we used to have. Among the three of us, my mom was the most resilient one. She would survive even if she was to be placed in the slums. But it came to a point when my mom could no longer keep herself in silence. She stood up and told my father the things that he needed to hear―Papa needed a wake up call. Unfortunately, that didn't do any good. He hurt mom once again which caused her to leave the house. Never would I have thought that I will be in such situation in my life.

After everything that had happened, my father and I began to drift apart. It was great when he was still happy and did not have any trouble about making money, but it became too difficult when he had to go through tough financial problems. I learned to stay away from him if I have to since I fear that he may snap again.

During my senior year in high school, we had a project in Physics about buoyancy. We needed to make a boat out of aluminum cans and make sure it will take us across the pool safely. We were working on this at my group mate's house. We were there the whole day. My group mate's house was not far from where we lived. It was one jeepney ride away from ours. Since it was for a school work, I didn't worry much whether my father will get angry if I stayed a little bit longer at my classmate's house since we were not yet done with it. But I failed to inform that we will be extending. My mom told me that Papa got angry, since I didn't tell them that I will be home by four in the afternoon. I also failed to inform them that we will be testing the boat at a nearby clubhouse pool. So, when I got home to get my swimming attire, it took a while before I was given the permission to join. During that time, he didn't talk to me at all. He'd always do that―give me a cold shoulder rather than scold me or punish me physically.

When I was in first year college, I became a part of the student council. During one of our events, I was assigned as the PA (personal assistant) of one of the guest judge―Ali Alejandro―who was the son of Hadji Alejandro and the drummer of Mojofly. He was my crush. Imagine being the personal assistant of your crush? I even got his number and had the chance to ride his car. Back to the story, the event ended late. I wasn't able to inform, advise, or even ask permission from my parents that I will be coming home late prior to the activity. It didn't occur to me that the event will end at around 9:30 in the evening. So, what I did was I texted my dad and said I will be late, but I wasn't able to specify the time. To add to my problems that day, my money was not enough for me to be able to go home. I already used my money to buy load so I can contact our guest judges. I had to borrow from one of the staffs of the student council so that I can go home. But despite the problems, I just enjoyed and didn't worry of what was to come when I get home. Night came and it was already 10:00 pm. I was still inside the jeep when my mom texted me that my father was so angry that he'll get be getting his "itak." Was he planning to butcher me? I didn't know. I was terrified. My father threatened me so badly that night. Fear was my initial reaction. My mom tried her best to pacify my father's anger. As I arrived home, it was my mom who was waiting for me. My father was already inside their room. My mom asked why I went home so late. I explained that it was because of the given task to me by the officer of our student council. The next day, Papa ignored me again like he always do whenever I commit mistakes. He ignored me as if I didn't exist. He didn't talk to me. That was so typical of him. But eventually, his anger subsided and he began talked to me a few days after. Before, I find it so annoying that he would be so strict to me. But I realized that he just cared and loved me the way he can and knows. It may not be something I approved of, but he tried his best.

"Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord." Ephesians 6:4