"Even if my heart is broken and feeling weary despite the holidays, I will celebrate with the trust in the Lord that He will mend it."
The best holiday for me is Christmas. I love Christmas. Everybody seems to be happy despite problems during the Christmas season. My mom and I talked about our Christmas plans this year (2018). But this is the only year that I am not looking forward to Christmas. It is difficult to imagine that we will be spending the first Christmas without my father. I am now thinking, will it get easier? Will I be able to celebrate Christmas without shedding a single tear? I doubt it. All the efforts I have been doing to be able to carry on suddenly vanishes as sadness lingers. The very thought that Papa will not be with us this Christmas including the coming years is a perfect way to make my mood turn upside down. Papa was the most excited every December. He was like a kid waiting for 12 midnight to strike. As soon as the clock ticks to midnight, he would greet us and of course, enjoy the simple food we have.
We have this family tradition of going to San Pedro, Laguna every Christmas. We would always go to my uncle's house, brother of my father, to celebrate Christmas with the Kabigting family. My father would always arrange transportation for us. But now that he is gone, who would do it?
My mom and I even thought of not going to the yearly family bonding but of course, we knew Papa would be sad if we would not go. He'd prefer that we join the family to celebrate Christmas.
Papa was not a practicing Catholic. He didn't pray nor go to church. But he celebrates Christmas and commemorate other Catholic holidays, such as the Lenten season. Among the many celebrations, I knew he likes Christmas the most. He loves it when movie channels start to show the Home Alone movies. He enjoyed the fun vibe that Christmas brings. He loves the cold weather during Christmas season.
But again this year, it is different. We will not spend it with him physically. I clearly remember that Papa used to stay awake with me until midnight. We would both wait for Christmas. I knew I had fun every Christmas when I was young despite not having any clear memory of my childhood. I knew that I had fun because my parents made it fun. It is my favorite holiday, too. If I only knew that last year was Papa's last Christmas with us, I would have spent more time with him. The truth was, Papa felt that last year (2017) might already be his last Christmas with us. That was probably why even if he was no longer feeling well, he really pushed for the idea that we go to my uncle's house.
"Was Papa happy that day? I guess he was. He was happy because he got to spend his favorite holiday with the people he loved so much. Even if it hurts me to commemorate the birth of our Savior without Papa, I will put on a smile and give the love that Papa would want me to give especially to his siblings. Even if my heart is broken and feeling weary despite the holidays, I will celebrate with the trust in the Lord that he will mend it."
"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." - Psalm 34:18
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Dance With the Father
SpiritualA narration of a true story about grieving and healing This is my personal story. I dream of publishing this one day. But for now, I hope I can share to you my journey. To my father, Bernie - the imperfect but perfect father to me - and to all fath...
