Dance With the Father

When Life Is A B****

"So, despite the fact the things are not going where I planned it to be I need to understand that life is a blessing and not a b****."

Note: I apologize for the title of this part. I usually hear this expression in movies when things go wrong in life. But believe me, it is what I thought it was. Well, life is actually a B, a BLESSING.

I am crazy. They say life is like a wheel. Sometimes, you are on the up side and sometimes, you are on the down side. I thought when I finally finished the first draft of my manuscript, I am already nearing the top however, the wheel is stuck. It won't move. I am still down. Who would have thought that a few weeks of bliss can suddenly bring you so much despair? I am not even sure if I have the right and credibility to right a book, to share my experiences. I do not believe in myself. I often make myself feel incompetent. I am now starting to question if writing is something that I would like and need to do. I am starting to grow weary. I have frequent asthma attacks and sleepless nights. I started questioning my readiness to serve God full-time. Despite that dream to serve Him full-time, I started doubting Him. I do not trust myself anymore. Losing the fire that burns in my heart is the biggest defeat that I have encountered. It seems like I allowed the devil to win me over. I have allowed him to take over me. I questioned my decisions and everything that has been happening in my life.

Hitting rock bottoms are designed to make a person strong. When you hit rock bottom there is no other way but to go up. But I guess getting out of rock bottom is not as easy as A-B-C. I thought that a year of mourning and grieving is enough but no it is not.

My father celebrated his first death anniversary. To be honest, I didn't pray for his soul. I haven't talk to God or even to him. I just don't know how to start talking to them despite the fact that I miss talking to them. It seems right that grieving is not a straight process cause I know that I am in the denial stage again. I cannot accept that he is gone. May be the fact that I needed to pray for his soul makes me feel sad and pain and I just don't want to do it because I don't want to cry buckets of tears again. More than that, I guess not telling them (Papa God and papa) what I feel makes things more difficult on my end. Again, I am putting the burden on myself because I have not asked for His help. I have not ask for His help when in fact I know He is the only one who can bring comfort and help. This feeling right now is what I get because I am rushing again. I am too excited to get out of the bottom that I forgot that I should also do it carefully. I should do the journey with God. I should be more open to Him as he is my father who gave this wonderful life.

"Bad times don't come up from the dirt. Trouble does not grow from the ground. But people are born to have trouble, as surely as sparks rise from a fire. If I were you, I would turn to God and tell him about my problems. People cannot understand the wonderful things God does. His miracles are too many to count." ―Job 5:6-9