Dance With the Father

Found

"Probably, once in a person's life, he or she would lose oneself in grief depression. One will suffer anxiety. But there is a promise, a promise that I learned from my favorite Bible verse Jeremiah 29:11, that God's plan is never to harm us but to give us hope and a future."

I sought help. I am still seeking for help. Even if I turned my back from Him, it is in Him that I will find answers.

One day, my managing editor talked to me and asked me about my deliverables. She also asked about how I was doing. There were no words that came out of my mouth. For the many months, I have kept it inside of me, I cried. I cried and cried. I didn't know for how long, but it was the only way I can express what I was feeling during that time. I know it sounds unprofessional, but that was the first time I had a good cry after losing Papa, and it was in front of my boss. I was like a balloon overflowing with water that popped. I cannot stop my tears. I was tired of holding everything back that I needed to release it all in one go.

I knew that time I needed help. I needed all the help I can get. I was even asked if I needed to take a leave of absence. But since I am the bread winner, I rejected the idea.

I inquired about services offered of counseling centers. I asked how much is the fee for testing if I have any mental health condition. When I learned it was pricey, I looked for other options. I realized that I should go back to the Source. I sought help from Light of Jesus Pastoral Care Center. There, I met Sis Josie. Sis Josie was there to listen. She gave comfort by just listening to me. She didn't gave any words of wisdom. Instead, she gave her time to listen. She listened to me when I felt that everyone I knew will always have something to say. I guess it is a start. I plan to return to LOJ Pastoral Care and praying that in the future I can be like Sis Josie.

But still, I went back to my old ways. I still didn't return to the community. I thought that I can go back already, but it is a journey that I cannot rush.

I attended a Grief Seminar sponsored by Pastoral Care. I am very much willing to leave this pit but then again, it is not enough. There will always be something missing.

One night when my mother visited me, I confessed to her what I was going through. I told her what I was feeling. We both cried. We hugged each other. It was liberating. It was something that I needed to do, to tell the person I loved the most what I was going through. I realized that I was wrong to have kept it all from her. The burden I was carrying suddenly became light.

After sharing to my mom, I arranged a retreat for myself. I went to Cenacle. There, I met Sr. Hazel. Again, she made me share my feelings and what I was going through. She asked me to write to my father.

Dear Papa,

I terribly miss you. I know you know what's been happening to me. I know that you are not happy that I am sad. I know that you were afraid to leave me. But it happened you needed to rest. God called you so you can rest in Him. I'm sorry if I am selfish and I wanted to keep you physically with me even if you were in pain. Yes, there is truth in what other people would say, "Kasama na niya si God. He is at peace." Siguro hindi lang talaga ako sanay na wala ka physically. I am not used to not seeing you physically present. I'm used to seeing you angry, moody, happy at times, lazy, among others. It pains me that we will not see each other in this lifetime. I'm sad that you will never get to know my future boyfriend, husband, and kids (in case I will have). But in fact, you will know them, they will not just meet you physically. I wonder how you will be like to them-- will you be lovable in front of your own grandchildren?

Papa, there are so many things I wanted to tell you. I already wrote a letter to you before (on your last birthday on Earth)-- maybe God was just waiting for me to say or tell those things to you so in a way you know that in my heart, despite your shortcomings, I love you. I will always love you.