Dance With the Father

Breadwinner

"I thought I was on my own-- being the sole breadwinner. But actually, I was never alone. I have God with me. He will send help no matter what. And I know as He sends help, He will one day make my dream come true. One day I will become His full-time servant. One day I will be a breadwinner for God's people. But for now, I will allow myself to fully grow as a person so that I may be able to have the overflowing love and fullness of Christ in me." 

What was your life after college graduation? Did you have the luxury to spend a few months at home to rest? Or are you just like me who immediately looked for a job? Right after college, I started looking for work immediately. I needed to help my family. There will be no other choice but to find a job right away since the income that my father is earning from being a family driver was not sufficient. It was not sufficient since we don't have any savings and we even had debts to pay. I needed to earn because the only income that supports my family's expenses comes from my father since my mother has to stay at home. My father's income would not suffice to cover other expenses such as his maintenance medicine. Despite living a simple life and living within our means, it was still not enough. If you think about it, we are still fortunate that we act as caretakers of the house that we were living in so we don't need to pay the rent. However, the upkeep of the house was not cheap. We need to make sure the house is clean and all things that needed repair should be accounted for. So, my goal was to work in a prestigious school that I know will give a high salary. For two years, I worked in an exclusive school for girls. During this time of my life, I pretty much enjoyed my salary. But since I'm not yet financially literate, I failed to make investments that will secure my family's future. The only investment I had was memorial plans for me and my parents. With what I earn, I was able to help my father purchase the medicines he needed. However, for the two years working in the institution, I felt that I didn't belong in the school. I entered the school believing I was meant to be in a different and much better school. I didn't appreciate what I had during those times and aimed for a much better workplace. Though I was not happy in the school, I was glad to have met people who made an impact in my life. There was a time when my father asked me if I can lend my uncle money. So aside from my savings, I still had to add more to it in order to give the amount needed by my uncle. I was down during these days. I have never, in my entire life, asked people to lend me money this big and to do it for another person made it more difficult. But because I love my father, I tried. However, it was not easy. I was able to borrow money from one of my colleagues who even allowed me to pay in parts. During this time, I felt that my father cared so much for his brother more than he cared for me. I cannot believe he would be putting me in a situation wherein I have to borrow money for others. It may seem that I am selfish, but I cannot grasp the idea that he would be willing to put me and my mom in such difficult situation.

After the two years I spent with the school, I decided to leave. My parents were supportive of my decision. They were optimistic and so was I. I was so positive when I transferred to an international school. I loved how progressive their ideas were about education. I enjoyed our trainings. I was actually looking forward to the school year. However, it ended sourly. It came to a point when my emotional and mental health was suffering. I didn't like what I was doing. I felt incompetent. I felt that I was not supposed to be there. I dragged myself to work for three more months. It even came to a point that I was recommended by my supervisor to seek counseling through one of the resident psychologist of the school. But still, it didn't remove me from my misery. Did I tell my parents about my struggles? No, I didn't; but they knew I already didn't like what I was doing. I left the school at the end of August. I just finished one quarter. I left the school for health reasons. Well, it solved my misery, but it didn't help us in any way. I even owed the school twenty nine thousand pesos since there was a bond. To add, I even needed medication for my alopecia that I had during these stressful months. I had a bald spot due to stress. I was too much for a breadwinner, but I didn't hear my parents complain. My father continued working and even sided with me despite the lack of details as to why I wanted to leave the school. He supported my decision despite the problems we were facing during those times.

After a month's rest, I decided to apply to a small school which is just a walking distance from our new home. I got accepted in the school and though the school paid not as big as my previous salary, it was fine since I didn't need to pay for transportation. I can even go home for lunch. It was sailing smoothly. However, even if I wanted to stay, I still needed to earn a big amount to support our daily expenses. I tried working in a BPO. I stayed there for a year. I was so close to being promoted as a compliance officer, but there was a calling for me to teach again. I applied in an all-boys school. I got accepted as a substitute teacher for a year. I took the risk of being a substitute. Financially, we were at least stable. I had a health card and got my parents as my dependent. For three years, we were secured financially. However, it again, ended sourly because I lacked proper judgment. There were actions I have done that I pray I never did. So there I was, looking for a new job again. That's when I landed in a job as an editor for science books. But to note, it was not as big as the pay that I had before. To add to the problem, my father already stopped working as a family driver due to health reasons. I was on my own. But actually, I was never alone. God sends His provisions through my cousins who would give assistance so we could purchase the maintenance medicine of my father.

All my life, I was always pushing myself harder and harder. I even felt that I never really enjoyed myself for the past 10 years. I gave in to little fun, but even in those times, I can never truly say that I am genuinely happy. There was always something missing in my life. My life's disposition was empty. I was living a life that has no direction at all. I was merely surviving; not living a full life.

Despite being the breadwinner there is a longing in my heart wherein I wanted to do things for the Lord. I wanted to do ministry work. I wanted to be His full-time servant. I wanted to be in a work that involves helping others know God more. But of course, I knew that I am not yet financially ready to do so. I have to work to provide food on our table and to buy medicines for my mom.

"Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters." ― Colossians 3:23