Veronica, August 2020
"I'm pregnant." I screamed excitedly down the phone line to Kate, Sam and I had already broken the news to Bridget, Shay, Nick and Aunty Celeste as well as Lucas and Penny, breaking the first trimester waiting rule, I just couldn't keep this secret, not from the people who were important to me.
"That's amazing news." Kate exclaims, jumping aboard my joy train, I knew she'd be happy for us, it just pains me that I can't tell her in person and it doesn't look likely that we'll be seeing each other anytime soon, with her in New York and me in Claremont. "When are you due?"
"March 3rd." I squeal, it feels so far away but so close at the same time. "I've had the worst morning sickness too, it feels like I've had a washing machine installed in my stomach."
I was struggling to keep most food down, everything I ate seemed to disagree with me and I'd tried all the home remedies that Sam suggested from the internet, from fizzy lollies to ginger tea, nothing worked.
"Go to the pharmacy and get the over-the-counter stuff, I did it with my pregnancies and it really helps" Kate suggests and at this point I'm willing to try anything.
"Kate?"
"Yeah?"
"I don't know if I'm going to be any good at this mother thing." I confess, I'd held this back from Sam and Bridget but it was my greatest fear right now, in a few months I'd be responsible for a tiny human being and I was so scared.
"Why would you not be any good at being a mother?" Kate asks me, astonished.
"I'm still learning who I am right now, is it really fair of me to complicate a child's life with all of my problems that I have going on?" The first initial years of a child's life are the most important, what if the fact that I don't remember my life messes with my own child's self identity and learning process.
"Veronica, I've been a mother since I was 18 and I still have no idea who I am most days or what I'm doing." Kate laughs at me. "This baby is a blessing, after all that you've endured." She says, igniting a spark inside my brain.
"I said that to you, fifteen years ago." The memory is hazy, I'm trying to grab a hold of it but I'm not getting the full content, it's like my mind is blocked.
"You remember?" Kate asks me, hoping I've figured it out but the memory just won't stick
"I'm trying to, it's just not coming through." I hate when this happens, it's like I have a piece of the puzzle but nothing to connect it with. The harder I worked at trying to pull the memory out, the more it fought against me until it faded completely. "I'm sorry Kate, it won't come." I feel like I've let her down, I want this so bad because I can tell how important it is to her.
"It will come." She says, her faith is never wavering. "I'm just sorry you had to relive some pretty horrible memories lately."
"I'm so sorry about Alex, he was such a beautiful, kind man." Alex's death was still fresh in my memory, I can still easily picture his happy face from the last time I saw him, that day of the wedding rehearsal and the feelings of anguish and heartbreak are so raw within me, keeping me up at night as I process these dark memories.
"He truely was." Kate agrees, her voice breaking, I feel terrible that I've dug all of this up again, me reliving Alex's death has to be hard on Kate but from the moment I found out, she's been there for me, so strong, pushing me to uncover more. "I was going through some photo albums the other day and I found Sam's eulogy pressed into one of the pages, he capsulated Alex perfectly with what he said, it's just a shame that he never got to be there to say goodbye."
