Veronica, September 2020
"It's going to sound rapid but that's completely normal, so don't panic." Dr Mason, my OBGYN warns us just before the sound of a beating heart fills the small room. I can't tear my eyes away from the monitor, the picture isn't clear but I can still make out the head, body, arms and legs of our baby and I feel this overwhelming sensation of love and need to protect the tiny being growing inside me.
"How does she look? Is she smaller than what she should be?" Sam asks Dr Mason, taking my hand in his, for the last ten weeks he's been unable to relax and just enjoy these precious moments, I understand why, he's cautious after our last pregnancy but I wish he could just feel that same joy I'm experiencing.
"Well we can't determine the sex just yet but I can assure you that your baby is just slightly over the expected length and everything looks exactly how it should for 10 weeks." Dr Mason tells us as she moves the wand over my stomach to give us an even better view of our baby.
I pull my eyes away from the monitor to look up at Sam, he has this look of complete awestruck come over him, I've witnessed this man have all his dreams come true, he's played soccer for his favourite team and even won premierships but I've never seen him hold a look like this before, this is something so new and wonderful to me, the look of a father who loves his child.
"Sam has always believed we're having a daughter, right from the moment I told him I was pregnant." I spot the small smile that slowly spreads across Sam's beautiful face, like he has a secret way of knowing.
"Call it father's intuition" Sam say, beaming down at me.
"We'll know for certain in about 8 weeks." Dr Mason informs us. "How are you going with morning sickness?"
"I have the occasional episode some days but since taking the medication I've found it's not as bad." It no longer holds me back or keeps me close to the bathroom all day, I feel like I can easily eat a meal and not be afraid that it's going to come back up.
"What about cravings?" The doctor asks, making Sam chuckle at the weird combinations I've been requesting.
"Peanut butter on pickles, I can't seem to sleep without it, otherwise I lay away just thinking about it, I know it's gross, I never used to even like pickles but now, every night, I've got to have one smothered in peanut butter." I'm a little embarrassed even admitting it to my doctor but even just thinking about it makes me want a pickle.
"I don't know what's worse, watching you smear peanut butter all over a pickle and then devour it or how you got me to puree the pickle in the food processor and pour it over ice cream during your last pregnancy." Sam laughs to himself.
"I did that?" Even though I'm disgusted by hearing I ate that, it now makes me want to try it. Since our talk about what happened the last time I was pregnant, Sam has been letting his guard down about the pregnancy, I think it's his way of cushioning the blow for when it hits my memory, preparing me in advance and I love that no question is off limits but I never even thought to ask about what I had cravings for last time.
"Among other odd combinations." Sam tells me, leaning down to kiss me on my head. "Fried chicken and a chocolate milkshake was probably the most normal combination."
"Cravings are a good sign, it means your baby is growing and that your body is asking for certain nutrients." Dr Mason explains, wiping the gel off my stomach. "Just don't go overboard, I'm going to be monitoring you closely to ensure you have a healthy pregnancy so we want to avoid complications."
Hearing her say this is a reminder that we're far from being out of the woods yet and there are so many things that could go wrong, this is why Sam can't relax, that fear that we're going to lose this baby too is eating him up.
"I'll do whatever it takes to keep this baby safe." It's a promise I'm making to myself and to Sam, I don't want either of us having to endure the pain and agony of losing another child.
"If you like, we can do some bloodwork, it helps detect chromosomal conditions and may be able to even tell us the sex." Dr Mason suggests.
"Yes." I answer without hesitation, if there is anything wrong I'd rather know sooner than later.
After the bloodwork is done, Dr Mason tells us she should have the results in a week or two. I'm excited to find out the sex of our baby, mainly so we can start working on find them a name and I can stop calling them pebble.
"We should start working on a name." Sam says on the drive home from the clinic, it was the first time I'd seen him start to relax a little.
"Shouldn't we wait until we know the gender?" I ask, my hand sitting over my stomach, trying to get my own intuitive spark but coming up with nothing.
"Bunny, trust me, it's a girl." He says, placing his hand over mine on my stomach. "But there's no harm in us thinking of boys names too though, I just thought it might help us feel a little bit closer to bubs if we gave them a name."
"Who came up with London's name, you or me?" I ask him, drawing a blank on names and thinking it might help me if I know how we named London, what process we used to settle on her name.
"It was a collaborative effort." He tells me, smiling to himself like the memory warms him. "We threw around a few names but kept shooting them down because we agreed we wanted our daughter to carry the name of something that had bonded us. I suggested Paris, after our first holiday together and how much we loved the city."
"No, not Paris, not after Paris Hilton made that sex tape." I'm overcome with a strong feeling of deja vu.
"That's exactly the same reaction you had the first time too." Sam chuckles, shaking his head. "Although you said you liked the idea of naming her after a city we'd loved. You suggested Brooklyn, we'd travelled there a few times, to visit Kate."
"Oh I love that name, maybe that's a contender this time around too." Brooklyn Lions, has a nice ring to it.
"I reminded you that we couldn't name her Brooklyn because the Beckham's have a son named Brooklyn and we're good friends with them." All of this is sounding vaguely familiar to me now. "Then you suggested London and it felt so fitting, it was a city we both loved, the city where we solidified our bond to each other."
"It was never about the city itself though, it was always about finding a name that represented the love we hold for each other" London was someone we created together, out of love and I wanted her to carry a name that was symbolic of our relationship, we had fallen in love in Claremont but had really built our relationship in London. "Clare, we should name her Clare."
"After Claremont, the city we first fell in love." Sam says. "Clare Bridget Lions, the perfect name for our beautiful daughter."
