Veronica, January 2008
I never knew that it was possible to mourn the loss of something you never had in the first place but after the almost deadly reaction I had to the hormone therapy and the realisation that I may never be able to carry a child of my own. I mourned the loss of a baby that never existed but in my mind I had already imagined holding them and loving them and to have that all ripped away broke me.
This loss wasn't just mine though, I shared it with Sam and although he tried to hide his pain away from me, I could tell he was hurting just as much as I was. He wanted this, we both did and that dream of becoming a family wasn't going to be a reality for us. I blamed myself for causing him this pain, for taking away his chance of becoming a father, I'd even convinced myself that I was being selfish, keeping him in this relationship, knowing that I could never give him what he yearned for. Would he eventually leave me anyway, when he finds someone who could give him the world?
All of these thoughts and fears had plagued me for months until I came to the decision that I should set Sam free so that he can discover the life he deserves. He shouldn't be weighed down by my burden, he's still so young, these were his prime years to be starting a family and I was holding him back from that. I knew that this would ultimately destroy me but I had to do what was right and fair for Sam.
I'd stewed on this decision for weeks, putting it off to avoid the pain but I knew, deep inside that I couldn't hold it off forever, it's what had to be done. While Sam was away in Middlesbrough playing football, packed a suitcase with my clothing and essentials, thinking that this would make things easier if I had my things ready, so that I could make a hasty retreat and not make him suffer longer than he had to. I sat on our couch, waiting for him to return on Sunday night, my stomach twisted in knots as I watched the minutes tick by.
I had no plan of where I was going to go. I didn't dare tell Bridget or Shay that I was leaving Sam because I knew they'd try to talk me out of it, they wouldn't see the big picture, like I do, that I was doing Sam a favour.
It was just after 8 when I heard the footsteps just outside the door, my heart stopped beating as I sat there and listened to the beeping on the pin pad, followed by the key clicking in the door. My body stiffened, fear and dread taking over for what was to come. I was going to intentionally hurt the man I love, just so that he could have the future he deserves but there was no way he'd see it that way, not right now at least. I just hoped he'd be able to forgive me one day, when he's happily married with a bunch of children running around.
The door swings open and I spot the brown paper bag he's carrying in one hand, he got us take away from one of our favourite restaurants. He walks in and sees my suitcase sitting beside the door first before he looks over at me on the couch, a quizzically look coming across his face.
"Are you going somewhere Bunny?" He asks me, looking from me back to the suitcase confused. It's not unusual for me to go travelling but I usually plan those trips well in advance and he would know where I'm going to, this has thrown him.
"Come sit with me." I beckon him, patting the spot next to me on the couch but he stays by the door, keeping the distance between us.
"Veronica, what is going on?" He demands to know, sensing that the bomb is about to be dropped. I hate hurting him like this but I have no other choice. I stand up and walk to him, shaking from nerves that take over. This isn't right, this isn't how we were meant to end up, he's my soulmate, my one love.
"I'm setting you free my Bear." My voice quivers and tears fall from my eyes, I can't even look up at him, afraid that if I do, I won't be able to go through with this. "You deserve someone who can give you children and I can't do that."
