Sam, June 2007
There was an orange, medical file on Dr Baker's desk, with mine and Veronica's names printed on a white label. Inside that folder held the results from the many tests Veronica had undertaken in the last month and also the one that I'd given a sample for. I could just reach across the desk, grab the folder, open it and read the results, after all, they're our medical records and if there's anything in there that gives an indication of a issue in either of us, I want to know, so that I can cushion that blow for Veronica.
There was only one problem with my plan to grab the file, Louisa, our fertility specialist, had it secured under her arm, as if she could read my mind. Maybe if she just got to the matter at hand instead of delaying by talking about the weather, work, every other subject but what's inside that file and the longer she delayed, the more I convinced myself that it must be something bad.
I didn't come here to talk about the sweltering heat of Summer but I was aware of what she was doing. Dad had once told me that some doctors will have a conversation of pleasantries before delivering bad news. He said that no doctor ever wants to be the one to hand you a life altering diagnosis and have you think they just don't care, so they carry on small talk before destroying your happy existence.
There's a lull in the conversation and the reason for our visit lingers between the three of us. Dr Baker opens the file in front of her a scans the page with her eyes, as if trying to figure out where to begin.
"I have some good news and some not so good news." The doctor says, looking up from the file in front of her. My heart sinks, that small glimmer of hope that I'd been holding onto for the last month is dashed and all I can think of is 'let me be the problem, not Veronica.'
I clasp Veronica's hand in my own, if I could, I'd wrap a protective shield around her, to prevent any pain from ever reaching her but unfortunately, right now, holding her hand is the only protection I can give her.
"Good news first." Veronica requests of our doctor, obviously not ready to pull the band-aid off so fast and have our deepest fear exposed. Louisa nods her head in agreement
"Sam, from the sample we took of your sperm it was analysed and shows an above average count and movement, which is fantastic for your age and lifestyle." Louisa explains, reading from the page in front of her and smiling warmly. I wish I could share her happiness, every lad in the world would love knowing he's equipment works as it should but my good news is the opening to Veronica's bad outcome.
I shift my complete focus on Veronica, sitting beside me, her face frozen as the realisation of what's to come begins to dawn on her.
"I'm the reason why we can't get pregnant?" Veronica asks Louisa in a small voice.
"It appears that your immune system has developed an antibody that detects semen as being an infection it must fight off, these antibodies kill the sperm inside the vagina." Louisa explains grimly. Veronica's own body is working against her, against us.
"Does this mean that I'll never be able to conceive?" The fear in Veronica's voice isn't lost on me.
"Your chances of conceiving naturally are slimmer but not impossible." Louisa tells Veronica, giving us a small ray of light at the end of the the darken tunnel we're trapped in. "I don't want you to think that this is all doom and gloom, we have methods to work around the antibodies, such as hormone injections to counteract the antibodies killing the sperm or we could even bypass traditional conception and inject the sperm into the egg and implant it into your womb."
Veronica looks to me, as if I hold the answer to what path we should take but I'm just as lost out in these foreign woods as she is. I feel that she needs me though to tell her that she's not alone in any of this, that I'll be right by her side.
"I think we should try the hormone therapy first, if that works then we can avoid putting you through a medical procedure if we don't have to." I suggest, hoping I'm making the right decision.
"I agree." Veronica says, turning back to Louisa. "What would the hormone therapy involve?"
"We would need to start tracking your ovulation cycle, so that we know the right time to administer the hormone." Louisa explains and it all sounds relatively simple, making me wonder why she even bothered to tell us about the other method. "I must warn you though, the hormone therapy can cause some very nasty side effects to develop and we'd need to monitor Veronica closely and stop the treatment immediately if these side effects reached that critical level."
Simple suddenly turned to scary when I realised what we'd be entering into, we'd be injecting a drug into Veronica, just to prevent her body's own natural reaction from occurring. Louise hands us both a leaflet to read over, listing all the possible side effects that could occur, ranging from vomiting and dizziness, up to lose of sight and even death. How could I possibly expect Veronica to put herself through all of this just to give us a child?
"I want to try this first." Veronica tells me firmly when she senses my new found reservations. stubborn as ever, just like her dad was and I know there's no way I can change her mind once it's set.
"When can we start?" I ask Louisa, I may not like this but I have to show Veronica that she has my full support, we're a team after all.
"Well like I said we will need to track ovulation first, so that we can know the precise moment of when to inject the hormones." Louisa replies, typing on her computer. "We can start that part from today."
Louisa prints out what appears to be a calendar for this month and the next, she then walks over to a large cabinet behind us and takes out a box with, what appears to look like a picture of a pregnancy test on it but on closer inspection I see the word ovulation. Louisa walks back over to her desk and hands both items to Veronica.
"You are to call the clinic the day you start your next period, to schedule an appointment but I also want you to be testing yourself at home, to see when you're ovulating and writing down the results, this calendar is to be recorded on daily."
"Anything else?" Veronica asks, tucking the calendar and the box into her handbag for safe keeping.
"Yes, I want you to take your temperature every morning, as soon as you get out of bed. Also reduce your alcohol intake, I'm not saying you can't drink but think of your body like home and you're setting it up for a very important visiter coming to stay." Louisa recommends to Veronica.
"What about sex? Should we reframe from having it until we start the hormone therapy?" Veronica asks Louisa and I almost can't believe what I'm hearing, she's asking if we should stop shagging, does she not realise that I can't watch her prance around our flat naked, share a bed with her, hell even hear her breathing beside me, without wanting to shag her. Has she gone mad? "I mean, just so we can save the sperm up and get a good hit when the time is right?"
"Not at all." Louisa chuckles softly, throwing me a look of support. "Sam's sperm isn't sitting a reserve tank, waiting to go, it can be released because it rejuvenates and holding back on sex will ultimately just cause you both to be frustrated. Keep doing exactly what you were doing."
Thank fuck for that. I wasn't ready to find out if blue balls were a myth.
