The Knife

When I'm with people... It's like I'm carrying a knife.

I hold it deep inside my pocket. Sometimes I even forget it's there at all.

But then someone says something and the knife is suddenly in my hand.

I never even noticed that I took it out.

And most of the time they don't see it either.

Or they just don't care.

So they keep going.

They keep saying things.

They keep doing things.

And the knife... I clutch it tighter and tighter in my hand.

Sometimes I don't even know why I'm getting so angry.

It's frustrating.

Then it gets to a point where I suddenly realize the knife is gone.

It's deep inside the people around me.

And all I want to do is scream.

I'm staring at the blood.

There's nothing I can do.

And the anger doesn't leave.

Not the anger that made me stab them... or the anger at myself.

More blood spills.

I can't look at it.

I can't watch.

I just want to leave.

To calm down.

For it to end.

So I run.

Then there's this guilt.

This unbearable guilt.

I hurt them.

I didn't mean to.

I didn't think about it.

I just did.

And all I can do is keep running.

And then when I'm alone all I can think about is that knife. About what I did.

About the damage and pain I caused.

And I don't even bother putting it in my pocket anymore or closing the blade.

Because who cares if I end up hurting myself with it?

I'm the one that caused all these other people pain.

I did it to myself.

I deserve it.

Well imagine the knife... was never there.

Because it's not a knife.

It's words and thoughts and actions you can't control.

You don't know how.

You don't think.

It's too late by the time you even realize what you've done.

Because the most damage... was never done with a physical object.

Author's Note

This part is not included in the 330 words by the way. Anyway... Yesterday, the 16th of August, 2021, was my 4 year Wattpad anniversary, and... My lazy butt decided not to do anything cuz the story I'm writing is not ready to be posted yet. And then this randomly came to mind and I'm like... I can use this. I need to write this down. It could be a future famous tik tok sound! (If anyone wants to use this be my guest cuz im not allowed to post on tik tok. So just let me know cuz i wanna see the video.)

Truthfully though... This is the most real thing I've ever posted on Wattpad. So I guess now that I found a way to explain it where more people might actually understand... I was hoping to find people who could relate to the way I feel. I constantly lose control without knowing why half the time and everything I do becomes impulsive. I don't have any control at all until I calm down and then I overthink the entire thing and it kills me knowing what I said and did.

So... Is that anyone else?

But anyway, I hope you all have a great day and thanks for reading my writing. If you want me to write more stuff like this just let me know. Random crap like this pops in my head all the time.

Also... Would anyone count this as poetry? Cuz I'm really not sure...

Welp, bye for now!