The Knife

Thoughts

I think myself to sickness

To sorrow

To desperation

To nothing

I think think think think

Like it would kill me to stop

Around

Around

Beyond

They spin until I no longer recognize reality

Or I recognize it far too well

Ignorance is endless curiosity and thoughtless wandering

Turned to blood and tears and internal confessions so true to a soul they could kill it's host in an instant

Thoughts shatter hearts worse than spoken words

At least a speech ends

A thought replays those horrid words banished from the day

I tremble as I cry

Sweet sorrow birthed from ignorant bliss and a truly believed lie

You can handle everything and anything up until the very second you can't

The very second the wrong question you thought was right gets answered

Up until the second there's a scream in your ear and your soul drops to the ground to duck, forgetting to tell your body it needs to move or be shot

Up until the sound of the gun rings and rings and rings after destroying a lie called "fixed" held together with duck tape and super glue

"Help." It yearns to be set free but is only thought

Thought and thought and thought until it's sucked into the black hole of a forgetful mind and a happy life

My murder has already been committed

It wasn't suicide, but I won't call it a homicide

Because if I think and think and think I can solve the crime alone and the killer never has to know

I haunt them unintentionally

Drawn back even as I think about staying away

If I think, I can make it go away because I won't think about that

Instead I will think of a question I asked and the vengeance someone tried to give me at the cost of part of their mind

I will think about extra food given from a growling stomach

I will think about everything else

And then there will be a scream

And I will think

And then I will hear a story about a little girl and something stolen

And I will think

And then someone will call my name

And I will think

And then the sound of a belt will echo in my ear

And even though that is no longer the trigger it once was, I will think

And think and think and think

Until bile rises in my throat!

And I will think! And think! And think!

And beg to stop thinking

Because I was fixed

And it was so long ago

And truthfully, I remember very little about anything

Some memories are shared only between my body and my soul and sometimes a laugh as another recalls the story fondly or like it doesn't bother them even though they too are a liar

It's a lie that can't be blamed though.

I've had my fair share of quick diversions after saying too much and being taken a little too seriously than I am used to by the genuine kindness of a helping hand I can't accept without being the one to seek it

But who can fault me when every time I accept help I have to think in spaces I try to forget

I imagine myself in a dark room, curled up against a cold, stone wall

Sometimes I am clothed, sometimes I am naked, sometimes I can feel myself breathing, most of the time I cannot

But thoughts always bounce around

My next words have been forgotten, replaced by the sound of my mother's singing, of a song sang to her as a little girl

So now I will sleep

And my thoughts will shift to dreams I will likely only have once and have forgotten by the end of tomorrow

How simple life would be if awareness was as easy

***

6/23/2024