I think myself to sicknessTo sorrow
To desperation
To nothing
I think think think think
Like it would kill me to stop
Around
Around
Beyond
They spin until I no longer recognize reality
Or I recognize it far too well
Ignorance is endless curiosity and thoughtless wandering
Turned to blood and tears and internal confessions so true to a soul they could kill it's host in an instant
Thoughts shatter hearts worse than spoken words
At least a speech ends
A thought replays those horrid words banished from the day
I tremble as I cry
Sweet sorrow birthed from ignorant bliss and a truly believed lie
You can handle everything and anything up until the very second you can't
The very second the wrong question you thought was right gets answered
Up until the second there's a scream in your ear and your soul drops to the ground to duck, forgetting to tell your body it needs to move or be shot
Up until the sound of the gun rings and rings and rings after destroying a lie called "fixed" held together with duck tape and super glue
"Help." It yearns to be set free but is only thought
Thought and thought and thought until it's sucked into the black hole of a forgetful mind and a happy life
My murder has already been committed
It wasn't suicide, but I won't call it a homicide
Because if I think and think and think I can solve the crime alone and the killer never has to know
I haunt them unintentionally
Drawn back even as I think about staying away
If I think, I can make it go away because I won't think about that
Instead I will think of a question I asked and the vengeance someone tried to give me at the cost of part of their mind
I will think about extra food given from a growling stomach
I will think about everything else
And then there will be a scream
And I will think
And then I will hear a story about a little girl and something stolen
And I will think
And then someone will call my name
And I will think
And then the sound of a belt will echo in my ear
And even though that is no longer the trigger it once was, I will think
And think and think and think
Until bile rises in my throat!
And I will think! And think! And think!
And beg to stop thinking
Because I was fixed
And it was so long ago
And truthfully, I remember very little about anything
Some memories are shared only between my body and my soul and sometimes a laugh as another recalls the story fondly or like it doesn't bother them even though they too are a liar
It's a lie that can't be blamed though.
I've had my fair share of quick diversions after saying too much and being taken a little too seriously than I am used to by the genuine kindness of a helping hand I can't accept without being the one to seek it
But who can fault me when every time I accept help I have to think in spaces I try to forget
I imagine myself in a dark room, curled up against a cold, stone wall
Sometimes I am clothed, sometimes I am naked, sometimes I can feel myself breathing, most of the time I cannot
But thoughts always bounce around
My next words have been forgotten, replaced by the sound of my mother's singing, of a song sang to her as a little girl
So now I will sleep
And my thoughts will shift to dreams I will likely only have once and have forgotten by the end of tomorrow
How simple life would be if awareness was as easy
***
6/23/2024
YOU ARE READING
The Knife
PoetryShort story poem thing, lol. Idk, 330 words. Literally. I checked. So just read it. If you don't like it... you wasted like 2 minutes. I did mention stabbing someone, so like... If you're into that it's there... *** Okay, so cuz I made this last yea...