The Knife

How?

I know that child sexual assault is one of my biggest triggers. I once had to block an entire account because I watched one video where they talked about their experiences and every time I saw them, even months later I would think about that video and my entire day would be ruined because it triggered me so badly. They gave a warning at the beginning of that video that I chose to ignore. It was a stupid decision and yet one I still constantly make. I just did it again. It's easier when the video is something I have to read though, so I can't hear the pain in the victim's voice, where you know they're reliving it with every word they speak. The video I just watched made me cry, but my brain didn't entirely process it as real. Because no matter how many stories I read or hear... I can never understand how it happens. I used to have really bad intrusive thoughts about both being raped and raping someone else. I don't like to talk about those because they always make me feel like throwing up. I don't understand how someone can not only think about hurting a kid without feeling sick but also actually do it. I don't think I'll ever understand how something like that is possible. So for the stories I read, knowing that they're real, a lot of the time I find myself staring at the screen with tears rolling down my cheeks but I feel nothing at all. Because it can't possibly be real. And I know that it is, but how? How and why? I can't even say that I wish I understood because I think maybe that would be a worse fate than wondering.

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8/23/2023

Before anyone bothers me about the intrusive thoughts comment I made, don't. I know people like to comment about it, to share similar experiences, and that's fine, but I also know some people don't understand what it means for a thought to be intrusive or understand how much those kinds of unwanted thoughts can mess with your head. I shared that piece of information with the trust that you all know how to be respectful. So if you're gonna try to be clever or funny, then shut up. I don't want to hear it. Same goes for bothering me about not staying away from triggers. I don't wanna hear it. It's something I am actively working on already, I just... Sometimes I get this idea that I can beat my triggers like it's some kind of fucked up game. It usually doesn't work out too good for me, but this is the first time I've done that in a while, so it's progress, and that's what matters.