The Knife

New Year

Next year will be better

10

9

8

7

6

5

4

3

2

1

The tears rain down harder with each number

Seconds to turn to minutes

How can it be a good year when you spent the first 7 minutes crying

Trying to keep quiet as your mom is barely 10 steps away from you

She got up when the fireworks started

Cold breeze on our faces as we stood outside and watched them

A gross drink Mom and I used to love

A cupcake

A fresh start

It'll be a better year

But those first 7 minutes

The crying turns to several times a day

I can't sleep even knowing school awaits

Still crying at night

Trying to prove something you're not sure what by day

Same old diary entries wishing things were different

Same old need to scratch your wrist bloody or bash your head into a wall

Maybe I'll stay clean the first month

Of course, the cutting didn't start until Febuary last year

The cycle still feels like it's repeating even there

How is it supposed to be a better year when everything feels the same?

When you're still waiting for things to get bad because you gain more trauma every year without fail for at least 10 years straight, maybe even all 16?

It's gonna be a better year

But it still feels like last year

Does a better year even exist?

I've had worse years than 2022

At least I didn't get abused that year

But my mental health is still shit

I'm still ranting on some stupid failed poetry thing

It's not poetry anymore

Just some stupid kid feeling like they've lost their mind

I keep hoping my writing will help people

Someone

Somewhere

But I hate thinking about how people could relate to the words I type

I wish no one had to feel like this

I wish I could believe new years will really be better

Maybe for some they are

Maybe this year really will be different

Maybe I can be happy and not be scared the happiness will come crashing down

Maybe

Maybe