Words Left Unsaid

Words left unsaid: Lana

TW: SELF-HARM ,SUICIDE

I felt numb

Like I was drowning in thoughts of myself.

I felt like frustrated and angry,more at myself than anything.

I felt like I wasn't living my life anymore.

I felt like dying,I didn't wanna be alive.

I often found myself having intrusive thoughts,wondering what it would be like if I never woke up, if I ever stabbed myself or poisoned myself what it would be like . Sometimes I feel like it would give me peace,it would stop all of this nothingness.

My heart felt empty,I felt lonely,I had no one and that's what sucked the most. Everybody had someone except me.

Sure I had my friends and family but they wouldn't understand, the kind of love and affection I wanted couldn't be given to me by them.

I felt useless , I hated how I wasn't a good sister, a good daughter, a good friend, a good person and it killed me.

I was constantly working on myself, realising my toxic traits and that was fine.

At some point it just all got too much for me.

I felt suffocated.

Amother failed talking stage.

Another failed friendship.

Another failed attempt at happiness.

It all became too much for me, I didn't want to do it trust me I didn't but when you're in a mentality that highlights the negatives in your life you look for an escape.

I didn't want to do it but once I thought of how I was crying,alone,no one to say I love you, no forehead kisses,no shoulders to cry on,no company . Not to mention the words failure,dissapointment,embarrassment,selfish,crazy etc. all floating inside my head I wanted them to stop.

So I did what I knew would take away that pain, I grabbed my razor that I hid in my dresser and I cut myself.

I cut my arms I cut my thighs,slit after slit,I started to feel the pain kick in. I knew I would've regretted it later but in that moment I didn't care I wanted it all to stop.

I was tired of feeling like this, feeling so suffocated, I was in the dark,nothing to pull me out.

I thought of all the people in my life,I'm sorry I thought.

I apologised to them because I felt like one day I might just end it all so I wanted to apologise to them.

For not being enough for them.

I'm sorry and I hope you can forgive me.

I felt like I was crazy,I knew I wasn't okay but I never knew how bad it actually was .

I'd always brushed aside everything that happened cause that was my role ,the one that always had things under control,the happy one.

So when times like this happen, I can't reach out to anyone because i knew it'll change their perspective of me.

So what do I do??

I deal with it all alone,never lettimg anybody see how depressed I actually am.

And it's not like I really wanted to die,I just wanted peace, I felt like my life hasn't reached it's potential, I'm not ready to die but I'm also not not ready to die.

I don't know,there's a lot I don't know, most of the time I don't even know what I'm doing.

But one thing's for sure,I know I need help.