The Rhythm Of Our Lonely Hearts

Chapter Fourteen: Can't Count On Anyone We're All Alone

Chapter Fourteen: Can't Count on Anyone, We're All Alone

Matt clutched his phone in his hands, each second that passed felt like an eternity. His only comfort, Andy's fingertips, as they brushed through his hair. His head resting on the singer's lap in silence, having taken refuge in Black Veil's bus. He closed his eyes, trying to will his mind to slow down. Thoughts racing through his head, bouncing between his dad, his band, and Andy.

He thought back to the day he met the singer, trying to remember a time where Andy had actually comforted him. He couldn't. Did that mean Andy had never been a good friend to him, let alone lover? That had been one of the reasons they broke up, everything felt one-sided. It was always Andy's needs and emotions first, leaving him to shove and repress his own. It's what led him into Sarah's arms that night at the bar.

The guitarist let out a shaky breath, his chest starting to feel tight again. He sat up, pushing Andy's hands away from him. It was too much; his father could be lying on a morgue table right now and that's what it took to get the younger man to actually give a shit. If the crash hadn't happened Andy would be half a bottle of Seagram's into the night by now. He hadn't changed, the circumstances had.

"Matt..." Andy pleaded.

"Don't- just... I should go... I need to call my mom, she should have said something by now..." Matt shook his head, the panic rising in his throat.

"I think you should stay here... I'm sure your dad is going to be okay but... I've never seen you like this before. I'm worried about you..."

"No! No, you don't get to play the savior now... not after everything you've put me through..." Matt snapped at the singer, bolting up from the couch.

"Matt... I'm worried because I care about you..." Andy frowned.

"My dad was hit by a fucking drunk driver- why on earth would I want to be around a goddamn alcoholic right now?!" Matt regretted the words the second they left his lips, feeling even worse when Andy went quiet instead of hurling an insult back at him.

"You didn't... you didn't mention that part..." The younger man's voice broke as he tried to speak.

"Fuck... Andy... I didn't mean to say it like that... I'm just-" Matt started, hanging his head.

"No... you're right. I am a fucking alcoholic." Andy cut him off, the vulnerability in his voice giving the older man pause.

Matt waited for him to insert a 'but' or try to spin it into a guilt trip, but he didn't. He hesitated, hand on the door. If he left, he'd have no choice but to go back to his bus and face the other uncertainty in his life. Staying was self-torture, constantly being reminded of his broken heart. Andy had no idea how much he loved him, how hard it had been to cut things off. He still had nightmares about walking in and finding the singer dead. His heart ached for the memories of his best friend. He hated Andy for killing that person. It was going to take more than a single admission to show change.

Before Matt had a chance to say anything back, his phone rang. His heart dropped, racing as his mom's contact flashed across his screen. The phone almost slipping out of his hands as they shook, managing a timid hello.

Andy bit his lip, standing by as Matt answered the phone. He could understand why Matt didn't want to be near him, even if Matt's words stung, he knew they were true. He always thought rock bottom was an event. A single moment you could pinpoint where you realized how far gone you were. Perhaps it wasn't a cataclysmic event though, perhaps it was just the moment in time you decided you couldn't go on living like you were. A moment when you cataloged all the losses in your life and realized they outnumbered the wins.