Underneath the clouds

XXI

The formal funeral attire was something she wore on a daily occasion. Sweaters and sweatpants, now a dress. Aunt Sherilyn had told the mortician that there was nobody. Jolin kept a blindfold on, and earplugs in. She was oblivious to the plans of the funeral, she didn't want to even think about the funeral, how her parents' bodies would be missing from the casket, how she wouldn't be able to look at them for the last time. Jolin stared out the window for the day, silent screams turning into a quiet tear, which ran down her cheek and stuck close to her jaw as it ran down her chin. Thinking about it more, she realized that she couldn't see their faces again. The last time she did, they had blood and tears streaming down their faces.
Never at rest.
Their faces would always have that fearful look, it was the last thing she saw of them. "Jolin..." Kimberly somberly looked at her, her hand gripping the frame of the door. "Are you ready?" It was a pre-funeral cry, a slight mist on her face. Sliding off the side of the bed, Jolin stroked the ruffles with her finger, looking down to her black attire. "I guess." The vibe in the room was dull, a depressing fog hung over their minds.
Getting into the car, Jolin kept her tears to herself, as Kimberly rubbed her shoulder, a somber look on her face. Sherilyn was wearing a black blazer with black khakis, black high heels on. They drove past houses, all seemed to blur together like paint on a canvas. Jolin had screams built up inside her, tickling her throat, and building her rage. Blacking out, Jolin lowered her head. Feeling came back to her when she opened the door, stepping out to the grass.
The sky was a deep grey, threatening the people with heavy rain. A heartache struck her, as she heard her cousin's quiet sobs. Looking up to Sherilyn she noticed the stoic look upon her sad eyes. They all grieved differently, and most of the family had tears streaming down their face. It was a bizarre sight to see her grandma Lynn sobbing, a handkerchief tightly clutched in her grasp, dabbing her eyes, as she stifled more and more cries. Stepping up, she saw two wreaths, all with their smiling faces on them. Jolin's lip twitched, her throat tickling as she started to let the tears slip.
She wasn't able to see their actual faces, just pictured memories of them.
Someone began to speak, a formal funeral speech. That was something that she could handle, but the moment someone else stood up and spoke about how they knew her mother, she fell to her knees, ringing deep in her ears. Pressing her palms to her eyes she sobbed, loud enough for people to hear her, but not loud enough to her liking. She wanted to scream, tear up the grass.
Kimberly looked at Jolin's shoulders, how they caved in and shook every time she took a breath to cry. "She must be going through hell. I couldn't imagine what I would do if I lost my mom." Kimberly felt so terrible, pity rose into her head, pushing tears out. It was dreadful sadness that was for her lost aunt, and the other tears were pity for her poor cousin.

Jolin's eyes were swollen, her throat dry and bare. Not only was everything taken from her, but the fact that she couldn't make peace with her parent's bodies one last time added to the depression, and added the greyest of clouds above her head. Through the blurry vision, and the ticklish throat, Jolin noticed a pair of piercing green eyes and a shiny silver ring. Kimberly kept her cousins close, holding her mother's hand.
They drove home in silence. A weird sad tension hovering above them. Jolin felt angry, infuriated. Staring out the window she replayed that night, and each time she rushed out of the house, she got angrier and angrier. Pulling into the driveway, aunt Sheryl let them into the house, and immediately Jolin stormed through. Kimberly followed, slowness in her step. "Go check up on her." Aunt Sherilyn whispered to her daughter. Nodding and following the command, Kimberly followed Jolin into their shared room. Inside, Jolin had ripped out her hair ties and pulled so hard on them they snapped, and ripped some stitching out of the dress. Watching from the crack in the door, she stayed silent. Intently watching, and concern growing as Jolin reached underneath the bed. She yanked out a small safe, and a leather notebook.
Tears streaming down her face, she silently cursed, feeling the pages crinkle underneath her fingertips. She would read the rest of it, maybe it would calm her down.  Ripping through the pages, she started to read. Or at least skim through the openings.

I understand how this affects you-

She skipped over, running her finger underneath the letters.

You may not understand this-

Jolin wanted to scream, and going on and on didn't help her patience.

Open the safes, the code is your birthday. Little safe first.

She grabbed the safe and started to flip the numbers. When she landed on her date of birth, a muffled click, then an easy open. Inside was two more notebooks, one said "instructions," the other said "ingredients." Flipping through the instructions notebook, she found instructions for their specific serums and then turning to the last few pages, she saw hers. It was abnormal. Different from theirs. Thoroughly reading through, she gathered all the information. Now the floor was cold, and her dress was in tatters, flattened as she sat on the floor. Kimberly still watched a little worried about what was happening.
Her eyes traced the pages, looking at the poor illustrations.
Soak in a bath?
Theirs consisted of them just drinking it.
Why do I have to do that?
Confusion swirled around in her mind like a violent tornado, taking out her common sense. Reading more she found an "others" page.
Doesn't matter?
How come I have to take it a certain way?
She closed the book, slouching as sadness began to replace the anger, and soon, she had the safes and notebooks underneath her bed. She mopily walked over to her dresser, undressing and slipping underneath her covers.
Kimberly shied away from the door, quietly going back downstairs. Silent sobs escaped in breaths as Jolin blinked, staring at the wall. Tears rolled down her face, as she snuggled up to the warm blankets. She felt as if she could no longer feel warmth anymore or anything. Numbness, that's all she felt. And that's all she thought about. About how numb and cold she was.