What Should I do? | Shawn Hunter

v. Fitting in

KARDERN MAY NOT know a lot about himself (after all he was only eleven, who the hell was supposed to have everything figured out by the age of eleven), but there was one thing that he knew for sure and that was the fact that he liked boys. He wasn't sure when he had figured it out or even if he had all he knew was that he found little to no attraction to girls. Sure, he found girls pretty, but not to the level that the boys in his grade would talk about them. 

Instead, he found himself attracted to the guys 

He had been open about it for a few years, his attraction to guys and while he got a few odd looks for it and the odd silly question. His peers had mostly accepted him, there were a few slurs sometimes thrown his way by children of ignorant parents who would often say he was going against society and their view of how things should be done

But the world was changing and he wasn't going to let anything get in his way 

Sometimes though he did lose control, a rage built up inside of him and took him over until all he could see was red. Most of the time he didn't even realise he was doing it until he heard the cry of pain and the river of crimson as it dripped from the person's nose all of his hands

And of course, the anger had got the better of him and so his actions were not to go unpunished by the teacher that saw him deck the kid in the nose. But Kardern supposed it wasn't all bad because he had Shawn to keep him company who had gotten detention by the same teacher that caught him 

At first, Shawn was surprised to see Kardern in detention but upon endless prodding and thinly veiled insults that were coated with a teasing edge to let Kardern know that Shawn wasn't really serious despite what he may have insisted and when Kardern let the boy know why he got detention, Shawn was ready to get another detention because there was no way he was letting this go

"Shawn! What the hell do you think your doing--" Kardern asked as he jumped to his feet and stood in the way of the door so Shawn couldn't get out the door, he wouldn't move until he had Shawn's attention or at least got him to calm down a bit

"Nobody uses that language! Not to insult you" Shawn was shaking by now and clenching his fists and it confused Kardern, why was Hunter this upset about something he had heard so many times even then he cared to count at such a young age

Kardern sized him up, trying to figure out what Shawn's angle was. See, this was why he liked books, words didn't lie and most of the time when you got to the end of the book you knew what made the character tick and their motivations and even when they lie most of the time things were black and white; you could tell who the good guys were and who the bad guys were and most of the time everything was tied up in a neat little bow

Even when it wasn't and things were left messy; it was still easy to form opinions (at least to Kardern) he knew what he liked and what he didn't and what lessons he should take from that but real life wasn't like that. Real life was complicated, people could say one thing and mean another and Kardern didn't have words on a page to back up what they were saying

Which confused the hell out of the boy

But he also had the sense he could trust Shawn, even if he wasn't sure why yet

"Okay, but why do you care? I'm not important to anyone"

"You are Osborn and it gets me mad when other people don't see that and insult you for something you can't control"

"But what if I can? I'm young maybe I just don't know what I want yet"

Doubt settled in his stomach as he refuted the argument Shawn gave to him with one that he has heard many times from many different people in many different ways. That he was just too young to understand what he really wanted in life and he would probably change his mind later on, it was only natural after all.

While it annoyed the hell out of Kardern, it had been said to him enough times that he had started to believe it, even if he knew deep down it wasn't true and if there was a way that he could change how he looked at guys he probably would for he hated the pitying looks he got and the occasional snide comment that would test his patience and when he couldn't control it -- land him in trouble like today

No matter how hard he tried, he just couldn't fit in 

"Stop that, you are amazing and I don't say that lightly Osborn. You are becoming one of my friends and it's not right that people think that of you because despite being a bit nerdy I think deep down you're alright"

"Yeah, but only because I'm hoping to blow this town when I'm older" Kardern noted which made Shawn look at him uncertainly, a question on the tip of his tongue. One that Kardern was quick to answer, which didn't seem to help matters "There's nothing for me here"

Honestly, he didn't know why he was spilling his heart out to Shawn 

It was just nice to have a friend, he supposed. One that he knew got him, one that could understand what he was going through and knew life wasn't all rose-tinted, he hadn't had many friends and he still wasn't sure whether he could trust Shawn but he seemed to be making an effort to reach out. 

Kardern supposed he could live with that.

"Come with me, I have a feeling Cory will be waiting for me"

"I wouldn't want to intrude"

"Your part of the group now Osborn" Shawn answered with a quick smile and took his hand once the teacher said their time was up and they were free to go if they wised and Kardern groaned when he did in fact see Cory standing outside because surely now he was going to get pulled into another scheme