What Should I do? | Shawn Hunter

xiii. Avoiding Problems

EVER SINCE KARDERN told Topanga how he was feeling towards Shawn he was feeling better and worse. It was a delicate balance he had come to that conclusion one night staring up at his bed, unable to close his eyes for even a minute of rest. He felt better because he didn't have to carry all of his feelings in his heart and have them eat him from the inside out but he also felt worse because telling Topanaga made his feelings real and not only did he have to deal with the implications of that but also the secret smiles and the little nudges she would give Kardern whenever he and Shawn happened to be in the same room together -- which considering they were in the same class at school and same social circles, they happened to be near each other a lot 

Which made it even more difficult although Kardern had tried to keep his distance. 

Shawn noticed which surprised Kardern because he never noticed much of anything unless it had something to do with Cory, but he did notice and that made Kardern retreat further into himself as he tried to focus on the things he could control. For things like school, he wasn't great at school but it wasn't like he was failing either. He was just...floating (Karderrn didn't know the proper term) and he hoped he floated for the rest of his academic career and then he could get the hell out of Philadelphia and never look back 

It would be better for everyone that way 

So the world continued to move around Kardern as he fell back into his old habits of going to school, doing as much work as he could and avoiding people as much as possible, only to come home to an empty and lonely house and delve into the kingdoms made of ink and memory so that he could avoid his own problems 

His therapist would say that he was actively avoiding his problems and that not dealing with them could lead to a bigger blowout down the line  but at least he wasn't hitting anything or finding himself in trouble again, he just existed in his own little world and Kardern was more than fine with it 

Kardern was like a ghost, floating through the day and doing his best to pull himself together but struggling to ground himself to reality. But still, time marched on and as he got closer to high school, Mr Feeny decided to get an older student to talk to them about what high school was like in order to prepare them for it

Would High School be better than this? Would he finally feel like he belonged somewhere and have a life that wasn't layered in fiction and the worlds he created in his head that were just out of reach? 

It wasn't until the student in question walked through the door that Kardern was snapped back into reality. The student was Eric, Cory's older brother whom Kardern had only met a few times but never really interacted with him. Cory had a weird relationship with his brother, one that Kardern didn't think he'd ever understand since he was an only child 

"Hi guys I'm Eric, I'm in 10th grade at John Adams High, the school you all will be going to next year" Eric started by introducing himself to the class while Kardern tried to decide if it was worth putting his book down to listen as honestly he had just gotten to a good part 

"At least those of us that pass"

"Hey Minkus pass this"

"Class please give Mr Matthews your attention" Mr Feeny interjected, cutting off Shawn and Stewart's pointless arguing. Kardern rolled his eyes, it seemed that the two of them would never learn how to coexist without trading shots at one another 

"Matthews?"

"Yeah. I'm Cory's older brother" Eric answered Topagana's unspoken question "Anyway next year you guys are going to be seventh graders or as we upperclassmen are going to be calling you phlegm balls. Now, there's gonna be a few things you're gonna need to know for survival, on the mean streets of high school."