What Should I do? | Shawn Hunter

viii. Being Better

"YOU HAVE FRIENDS. I'm proud of you" Dylan Osborn told his son. It was a rare moment where both Osborns were in the house at the same time and his father wasn't as drained as he normally was as so he could hold a conversation "It's about time too, you always had your head buried in a book and your mind a million miles away"

"I like books"

"I know you do," Dylan chuckled as if it was funny "You're a strange kid"

Kardern has been called worse by his peers, adults and the people around him. But being called strange by a person who was supposed to always support him stung more than a little. Even though it probably shouldn't because at this point they were no more than mere strangers in the same house.

Opposite schedules and opposite lives so when their lives intersect and they do interact they have little to nothing to talk about it was just awkward and though Kardern knew he should be thankful for any time he got to spend with his father, he found himself counting away the seconds until he could end the conversation

It was like Kardern's mother was the glue that held the family together and without her, they weren't a real family. They were just two people with the same last name and that's how it had been ever since she left and Kardern hated himself for thinking like that because he didn't need the mother who couldn't be bothered to stay and watch him grow up.

It wasn't fair, Kardern knew that

Why didn't Kardern connect more with the parent that stayed rather than the one that left?

"There you are in you're far off world again, I swear one day something is going to happen and you won't notice because you'll be too far away in your head" Dylan continued, overlooking his son's facial expressions and then he went rigid and Kardern knew he was in for a bad conversation "You know Mr Feeny caught up with me the other day, I forgot to speak to you about it -- he mentioned you got detention the other week for damaging some property. You promised you wouldn't do that anymore"

"I know Dad. I just got so angry--"

"I think it's time you started therapy again"

Kardern started to squirm, he definitely did not like the idea of going to therapy again. Especially as it hadn't gone well the first time and he didn't want to go through it again. Therapy hadn't been anyone's first choice (hadn't even crossed their minds really, because it was the 90's and everyone thought you could just work through everything) but one day Kardern had a kind of breakdown and in a fit of rage he had shattered a mirror and left his hand broken and metal pieces inside his hand

He was only nine

It wasn't fair and Kardern knew that

All Kardern knew was that his mother didn't want him and that stung him, sharper than any knife. It was those few months after his mother left that he learnt he could only rely on himself and books

Kardern was forced into therapy after that, and he did it for six months until the therapist, he had at the time decided he had made enough improvement that he didn't need to come anymore, he had gotten out there as fast as he could. He didn't want to be forced to spill what he was thinking and feeling to a stranger anymore and although Dylan Osborn was hesitant, his son had improved and wasn't breaking things every time someone even mentioned his mother

"What no? Dad, I can't do that. You know what it was like last time"

"You also said it wouldn't happen again and yet you got a detention" Dylan stated, shooting his son a look over his son at the face he pulled. Kardern didn't want to be reminded of the promise he made and how he broke it, he didn't like breaking promises but also his anger was like a tsunami

"Then why don't you ground me like a normal Dad? Like when Cory got grounded for trying to ring people in Canada to hear them speak Canadian" Kardern let out in a rush, he didn't really want to get grounded either but it was better than going back to therapy and at least he wasn't going to be alone, he had his books. The worlds crafted in his head, that he can disappear into

"You know that won't work because you'll just retreat back into your books again and like I said it's the first time you actually have friends and so grounding you wouldn't work," Dylan Osborn said as if he could read Karden's mind and figure out where his mind was heading

It was unfair, Kardern knew that

His father who was a stranger to him, still knew him like a father would know his son. Kardern wasn't used to that, he wasn't used to someone knowing him and it wasn't fair that the person that knew him was his father. Why couldn't it be someone he chose who knew him just as well as his father? That way he would be rid of this sick feeling in his stomach

"I promise, I'll try to work on my anger. Just don't put me in therapy"

Kardern wasn't sure he could keep the promise but he was going to try

* * * * *

The thing was Kardern didn't know who he wanted to be now let alone in twenty years' time. He hadn't got everything figured out, his life was quite frankly a mess and he was still picking up the pieces from the last two and a half years

He hoped in twenty years, he would have everything figured out, he doubted that though and it wasn't really the career path that Mr Feeny was hoping Kardern and his class would come up with and as much as Kardern wanted to put: Mr Feeny, it would be a miracle if I'm still alive in twenty years

But as for the original assignment, he loved books and everything to do with them and so he decided to go down that route for his future career, looking into careers to do with books and as for his personal life he had no clue where he would end up

Anxiety writhed and curled in Kardern's gut as Mr Feeny poured over his made-up career plan and even though Kardern knew that it wasn't real. The need for validation was clawing its way out. Finally, Mr Feeny spoke his voice strong and leaving no room for arguments "Well Mr Osborn I see you've given your professional future a lot of thought but I do wonder what you think will happen in your personal life"

"Well Mr Feeny I'm only eleven I don't have much of a personal life"

"So you don't see or want a family in the future?" Mr Feeny asked as he raised a greying eyebrow. Kardern hasn't put much in regards to where his personal life would be in twenty years, he had mentioned owning a house or an apartment just having some sense of stability but after a house and a stable job — he wanted to do something with books but he didn't necessarily want to be an author. He wasn't all that good with words

"No, no I don't want kids. I'll mess them up or leave them. See my family has a habit of doing that" Kardern denied, shaking his head. He wasn't selfish enough to pass on all the demons he was dealing with on to children, who were so small and innocent. He would not be his parents, no he would be better

"You are not your parents Mr Osborn" Mr Feeny repeated, this time quieter but sterner and Kardern had a funny feeling in his stomach. He knew Mr Feeny went well but there was one thing he feared more than anything and that was ending up just like his parents and not being around for the ones he loved

Would he be stronger than them?

"That's kind of you to say but you know I probably will end up like "

"I have higher hopes for you. You will go on to do great things, with the right people around you"

"I hope so too Mr Feeny"

"For this assignment, you get a B now let's see what becomes of you in the future"