What Should I do? | Shawn Hunter

xvii. Baby Steps in a New Direction

IT WAS SILENT for quite some time, except for the sound of the rain hammering against the window. No matter how much the rain lashed against the window pane, it couldn't get into the house and seep through the atmosphere that had been created (Kardern wasn't quite sure whether this was a good thing or not.)

"I'm sorry--" Shawn apologised, breaking the silence as he stepped away from Kardern, creating space between them and disappointment crawled between the space of his heart and lungs making it hard to breathe. He didn't want space from Shawn "I shouldn't have--"

"It's okay," Kardern said softly as he caught Shawn's wrist when the boy tried to back away and refused to look Kardern in the eye. He seemed very skittish all of a sudden and it made Kardern himself feel like he did something wrong, what if Shawn didn't like him in that way? What if by taking a chance he had messed everything up?

...Or worse what if Shawn was now disgusted by him?

"W-What?" Shawn looked down at Kardern's hand connected to his wrist and froze, going stiff under Kardern's touch but still didn't meet Kardern's eye, a deep pain struck Kardern's heart, all this time he had never thought it would hurt so much for Shawn to not look at him.

There was a time when all he wanted was for Shawn to go away, now all they wanted to do was hold him close, but they couldn't help the nagging feeling in their head that Shawn was the one pulling away and in a desperate attempt to try and get him to stay put, they grasped at his wrist. It was enough to get him to stop but not to get Shawn to look at him.

 "Shawn look at me, it's okay. I need you to understand that" Kardern said as gently as he could. It took a few minutes, silence wrapping around them like a heavy blanket squeezing the air out of Kardern's lungs and with every minute that hung in the air unanswered. The more Kardern's heart felt like it had plummeted into his stomach, the harder it became to breathe.

"I didn't come here to do that."

"What did you come then?" Despite the hurt that filled Kardern at the very adamant reply that he hadn't meant to do that did that mean Shawn didn't like them anymore or worse didn't want them? That hurt worse than anything Kardern could imagine, he hated the fact that he had allowed himself to get close to Shawn because now the possibility of him leaving was going to break Kardern's heart.

"I had nowhere else to go" Shawn said, a heartbroken look crossing his features and all Kardern wanted to do was hug Shawn but held themselves back because what if Shawn rejected them again? Kardern couldn't wrap his head around it, he didn't think he could handle it    "Nobody that would understand, anyway. Not like you."

Kardern tried to keep the fear crawling up his spine and to remain calm and equal in tone, despite the fact that his thoughts felt too fractured to punctuate into clear, precise thoughts   "What happened?" 

"Surely you know."

"I have my theories and I've definitely heard whispers in class but that doesn't mean I don't want to hear whatever happened from you. So are you going to tell me or am I going to have to force it out of you?" Kardern asked, crossing his arms and pinning Shawn down with a sharp stare.

"And how would you do that?"

"I don't know, to be honest, I didn't think I would get this far."

Shawn chuckled and the sound slithered up Kardern's spine and a strange sort of warmth pooled in his stomach and then shot straight down oh that was embarrassing but luckily Shawn didn't seem to notice.

"Do you want a hot cocoa?" Kardern said in a desperate attempt to shift the conversation into something much less revealing. Instead, he led them over to the sofa but instead of sitting down on it as Kardern expected, Shawn stayed standing and just looked at Kardern as if he couldn't believe Kardern was real. 

"Yes please, I'll help"

"You don't have to"

Deciding it was safe enough to leave Shawn in the living room while he made his way to the kitchen.  Kardern placed a pan on the stove and poured milk into it before digging a half-eaten bar of chocolate out of the cupboards and breaking it up into pieces before adding into the pan and  heating up the chocolate along with the milk and stirring it through with a wooden spoon  

Shawn who had followed him through from the living room, hopped up onto the counter next to the stove and placed his hand over Kardern's own stilling his movements and then completely stopping them from moving and making Kardern look up at him  "Osborn. I want to help, let me help. I've already put you out enough"

"You are not putting me out, have you not already discovered that I like you?" Kardern said without really thinking and when it finally sunk into his head what he had just said and by the blush spreading rapidly on Shawn's cheeks.

"You really don't mind--"

"No, no of course I don't. Why would I mind?" He hadn't meant to say the first thing so why did he continue and make it worse? Kardern took a deep breath trying to control his flaming cheeks before admitting in a nervous whisper, the thing that has wanted to admit for months, knowing that because of that he could ruin everything  "I wanted you to kiss me"

"Right, right. It's been a strange night and I--" Shawn waved off and Kardern felt their heart drop a little. He didn't know what the feeling was exactly but it hurt, it stung and wriggled in Kardern's chest, spreading throughout their body and making them feel numb.

"I know it's been a strange night but you're here now, so let's just focus on that" Kardern forced himself to smile, trying to remain as calm and collected as he tried not to think about the tears welling up in his eyes

If Shawn noticed he didn't say anything and instead pushed himself up to sit on the counter and if Kardern had the energy he would have fought back but he didn't really have the energy and didn't want to start an argument, especially after what happened tonight. He doesn't want to spoil the only moment he might ever get with the boy he liked.

"I didn't interrupt anything, did I?" Shawn asked with a sort of smile that made Kardern's heart flip in his chest. Once the milk was boiled, he poured it into a cup. Two cups, he remembered at the last second, pulling another cup and placing it next to the other one pouring the milk into the last cup.

"Nope I was just studying and watching this week's episodes on NYPD Blue, you know they always show reruns on a Friday night" Kardern dismissed and instead tried to keep the blush that was slowly creeping up on the back as he remembered that tonight he had spent reading books and daydreaming about Shawn and letting his imagination get the best of him.

"Oh my God Osborn, you are such a nerd when I'm not around" Shawn decided to tease and Kardern could feel his grin slip off his face. An ugly feeling dropping like a stone in their stomach. 

"A nerd offering you a safe haven in their home so I would knock it off if I was you" Kardern grumbled, and Shawn seemed to back off, finally getting it, grabbing the cup of hot cocoa and slurping it, after he put the cup. 

"You're right I'm sorry."

"It's fine, don't worry. Now we've just got to come up with a plan on how to get you out of trouble and you are going to explain to me why you came to me of all people."