What Should I do? | Shawn Hunter

xi. Escaping Reality

KARDERN STARED AT the cracks on his bedroom wall for several minutes closing his eyes and making them disappear because when he opened his eyes again, there were no longer cracks on the bedroom wall some of which stopped at the crevices between the wall and the ceiling. Instead, his ceiling transformed into a page straight out of one of his books. He wasn't a lanky eleven-year-old who spent all his time disappearing into books and another world to avoid the problems he found too big to deal with at that moment 

And right now he was feeling like he had a heavy weight of his own to deal with which was never good because Kardern Osborn was not one to solve problems quickly or at all really. He prefers to live in his head so that his problems overtake him and he doesn't have to deal with them. The doctor they assigned him for his anger management problem said that it wasn't healthy for him to live in his head all the time and use books as a crutch 

But he finds books and words so much easier to deal with than people because if he didn't ever like a book, he could just toss it aside but he couldn't do it with people. He couldn't just stop them from annoying him all he could do was control his responses to those that annoy him

That's something he finds himself still struggling with 

Reality clashed with fantasy in his head and bled into each other. Shawn Hunter manages to make an appearance and Kardern wanted to scream became even in his head, Shawn Hunter manages to claw his into Kardern's brain as if it wasn't a big deal, but to Kardern it was. It was a big deal 

It was a massive deal 

Shawn was a friend. He was a friend and that was all he was ever going to be to Kardern, because why would he look at Kardern as anything more than that? Kardern wasn't anything special and he was never going to be, he was just a broken boy with a bit of an anger problem...Which he swears he is working on, he just hasn't had the best luck at the minute

Kardern thought he used all his luck on finding Cory Matthews and Shawn Hunter 

See Shawn Hunter was a lot like him, they both had troubled homelives and they both knew what pain was, what it was to be burdened by so much responsibility when they were just barely out of single digits. What it was like to feel the sting of rejection from parents that were supposed to love and cherish their children. Despite the fact that he hides behind a I don't really care about anything attitude, deep down the boy had the biggest heart Karden had ever seen 

It scared Kardern, the fact that he was falling for Shawn Hunter's heart 

And it absolutely paralysed him, the fact that Shawn might not feel the same way 

So Kardern wallowed in his bed, staring at the cracks in the ceiling of an old house in his small bedroom that he had outgrown long ago with his wanderlust mind and he wish and prayed that he was something else. Somebody else. 

Because if that was the case, maybe Shawn Hunter would finally notice him

* * * * *

Kardern was physically in class but his mind had long since wandered to somewhere else. Anywhere else. He had tried to concentrate but it was as if he wasn't physically in his body, his mind was a million and one miles away and he didn't know how to come back to his body 

He would gladly float away forever without anything to tether him 

The boy attempts to read his book but can't even focus on that. The words were all jumbled up and takes him thrice as long to read a page than it normally would. Kardern wished he could help it or at least turn back time to before he realised he was attracted to Shawn Hunter of all people 

There'd be nothing wrong with that except two thing: One, Shawn is trouble and so attracts trouble like a moth drawn to a flame and finally Kardern's second though which is infinitely more terrifying to face because what if his wanderlust mind gets carried away as it always tends to do is the fact that even if Kardern does find the courage to tell Shawn how he feels (which is unlikely since he isn't good with people. His social circle lacks actual people and instead our made of characters come to life from books that he's read. Cory and Shawn the exception)

Ugh. There he goes thinking about the person he shouldn't be thinking about

Perhaps he should jinx Shawn's name like the do in Harry Potter so nobody actually speaks the Dark Wizards name and instead call him He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named like it might do him some good save him getting his heartbroken from somebody else that he let into his bones, without them even knowing and then shattering into a million pieces when he gets left alone, his tears mixing with the bitterness of his heartbreak and making concreat to build around his heart 

He can't go through what hee did with his mother. Kardern wouldn't allow himself to break again. Because if that was to happen the boy knew he wouldn't survive piecing himself back together again. The last time it nearly destroyed him, with chipped and jagged pieces that don't quite fit the way they should. 

He knew he wouldn't survive if he was to shatter again 

Kardern couldn't go through what it took to get him to a sembelence of whole again, the meetings with the therapist that didn't really care about but he didn't really care about them either so he supposed it was a fair train. The coping techniques that worked for a while but no longer work the further he gets from therapy 

(not that he would ever admit that to his father)

He would rather just live in his head forever because at least that way he knew everything in his head was real

A hand tapping  on his shoulder catches his attention and Kardern is quick to jump, too lost in his own thoughts to realise a world is still happening around him. Mr Feeny has finished with whatever lesson he had imparted onto those that were listening and students stand up from their desk but Shawn is behind him and his heart leaps into his throat. 

Yes he was not doing well with the whole forgetting Shawn exists thing 

Cory was half waiting in the door, shouting for his friend to hurry up but Shawn doesn't listenand instead turns to Kardern "You're coming to lunch with us, Osborn and you'rre going to help us solve the problem"

Now Kardern feels stupid "Err what problem?"

Shawn smiles at him and it's a smile that he wants to see for the rest of his life "C'mon if you buy me fries I'll explain over lunch"