What Should I do? | Shawn Hunter

xii. Karma

IN HIS ELEVEN years of life, Kardern knew more than his peers ( that isn't saying much as he's only eleven and who the hell had truly figured out life at eleven) like for example how life is hard. It doesn't really care how much you cry and beg and plead for all the pain you've managed to weed into your body, between your bones to stop. It never does. It keeps adding on more stuff and the fact that no matter how hard he tries at school, he will always fall short. No matter how many hours he spent with his nose stuck in a textbook, trying to absorb the information he needed to know

He knew that he preferred books over people because until recently he was always let down by people who never seemed to stick around long enough to actually see him grow up and change into the person that he was, yes he was only eleven and he still had a lot of growing to do but they had already missed out on so much of his life already

So all in all Kardern knew a lot more than his classmates because he knew that life wasn't fair and that sometimes life would beat you down and laugh while you writhed in pain. He knew what it was like to be stung by the people that were supposed to love him unconditionally

But perhaps he didn't know enough to keep his heart from breaking.

It had started with his mother, who decided enough was enough or perhaps she had been crushed under the weight of motherhood and the only option she saw to alleviate the pressure she was under was to leave. Damn the consequences as she left behind a boy that didn't know any better, didn't know that his mother wasn't coming back for him and that even after almost four years, a part of Kardern still loves his mother

It was like Kardern's mother was the glue that held the family together and without her, they weren't a real family. They were just two people with the same last name and that's how it had been ever since she left and Kardern hated himself for thinking like that because he didn't need the mother who couldn't be bothered to stay and watch him grow up.

It wasn't fair, Kardern knew that

Now he was doing again, giving pieces of himself to people he wasn't sure wouldn't walk away from him. His mother did, what was stopping everyone else from leaving him to? He knew Shawn was like him, they had similar backgrounds and could relate to each other but was Kardern once again overthinking everything?

He enjoyed Friday nights (It started out as random days and then became a Friday night thing, it was on those days that Kardern could forget the world outside of the two of them.) They spent it studying and afterwards watched television sprawled over the sofa until Dylan Osborn returns in the early hours of the morning and it was only then that Shawn left the house, skulking back to the trailer

It was in those hours that Kardern no longer felt like a stranger

As he did now with half an eye on Topanaga and Stewart who were going on about a report for a pretend business but Kardern was only paying half a mind. He had already found himself lost in another book and he was enjoying that decidedly more than listening to whatever the report was about

Before Kardern knew it Shawn and Cory were up next and maybe it was an illusion to Kardern but perhaps Shawn Hunter was closer to Kardern's desk as he needed to be. His fingers gently brushed against Kardern's arms, sending sparks of lightening across his skin and jumpstarting his heart as a light blush showed on his cheeks

He hoped to whatever force was out there that Shawn didn't see it

Kardern turned back to the pages of the book, hoping to shake off the feeling that Shawn's touch started. He let whatever Cory and Shawn were saying turn to white noise as he tried to focus on what he was reading again but he found himself struggling

Before Kardern even realised it class was over and people were getting ready to leave and he was left alone. He sighed and packed his worksheets and stuff into his bag but before he did he jotted down the work that he was supposed to be doing and put it into his bag -- he could sort his work out at home, he always worked better alone anyway. Karden did ask Mr Feeny if he could work alone and since he knew Karden was sensible, he mostly let him do his own thing as long as he got his work done and since he did his presentation this morning

"Hey Kardern, are you okay?" A voice called out to him, causing Kardern to jump as he had worked his way into his head and wasn't expecting anyone to call to him but he turned, only to come face to face with Topanga

"Yes, I'm fine Topanga" He answers automatically, flashing her a quick smile

Topanga studied Kardern for a few minutes and Kardern felt anxiety rise up in his chest as she continued to study him for longer than Kardern would like "You seem distracted today. Is your Karma balanced?"

"I'm sure my Karma is fine, Topanga" Kardern reassured her with a quick smile, unlike most of his peers in class Kardern never mocked Topanga's belief because he knew what it was like to be an outcast  "I'm probably just tired. I stayed up late last night reading a book"

"So this has nothing to do with Shawn Hunter?"

"I-I don't know what you mean" Kardern tripped over his words as he struggled to get his words out. He didn't think he had been that obvious but apparently, he was and he panicked because if Topanga noticed then what happened if Shawn noticed? Would Shawn now hate him or perhaps worst ignore him? 

"The last few weeks and months you have become somewhat friends with Cory and Shawn and then today you were acting weird around them so I was just wondering whether there's been a shift in your karma or theirs and therefore you're not compatible anymore"

"No, it's nothing like that"

Topanga narrowed her eyes in Kardern's direction as they flashed with defiance "They've not done something to hurt you, have they?"

"No, they haven't hurt me" Kardern was quick to jump in, he didn't want  her to think that Cory and Shawn were being mean to him or picking on him in some sort of way -- really it was more a problem for himself   "It's more like I hurt myself"

"What do you mean?"

"Err I'm not quite sure how to explain it Topanaga"

"Try," Topanaga said as gently as she could as she crossed over and sat down on one of the chairs and Kardern did the same, slinking back into his own chair and looking up at Topanaga as he took a deep breath  

"I think I may like Shawn Hunter as more than a friend"

It was like a weight was lifted off of Kardern's shoulders as soon as they said that. It was something he had been burying deep within himself and he was almost ashamed at the fact that his first and only friend and he had developed a crush on him without even knowing if Shawn felt the same, even so, it felt good to tell someone 

Topanga looked confused as she tilted her head to the same "Why does that mean you've hurt yourself?"

"Because I doubt he feels the same"

"Well, have you asked him?" Topanga asked and when she said it like that, it sounded so very simple, but Kardern didn't want to have that conversation with him yet as he was still trying to sort through his own feelings

"No — no I can't do that "

And it was that, that Kardern steadfastly believed. He couldn't talk to Shawn now about how he was feeling because he didn't want to ruin a good thing because Shawn and Cory were the first real friends he had had in his life and he didn't want to ruin it because he knew that wherever Shawn went, Cory was sure to follow  

* * * * * 

a/n: I know this doesn't show the dialogue in the show and is more of an AU but I felt like it was important to build up Kardern and his character and relationships with people as a whole before diving in and out of the shows plot points although there will still be hints of what episode it is, I hope you understand and enjoyed the chapter.