You In My Heart

Trapped

It was silent again. I used to love this atmosphere but now all I feel is fear creeping up on me.

The fear of losing you again.

The fear of being hurt again.

I turned off the music and walked out of my room to see that you and him were missing.

A sense of panic took over me.

Phones on the couch and everything as you had left it.

I can hear my own heart beat as I walk around our tiny apartment looking for you.

I gulped, scared you left me but felt a moment of relief that I was able to breathe alone again.

No one's on the balcony and our door wasn't open.

If I was in my room, and the rest of the place is empty, there's only one place you would be...

Your room. My own hell.

I feel so sick. I just want to throw up.

The image popping up in my head again and again.

Your body on his.

Both of you rushing to find your clothes while I stand there with my heart shattered.

This is the fourth time.

It hurts that I know you're the one that insists.

What did I do so wrong to experience this?

Did I not act like you told me to?

Did I not I follow your rules?

The cold air in this room is making me tense up.

Clenching my teeth, I pulled out my phone and waited on the sofa. I'll pretend to be busy as usual.

Will you feel at least a bit guilty now?

I tried not to flinch when he opened the door, shirtless.

I can feel his eyes on me. I can't do anything but burn my gaze onto my phone.

You walked out, sweating and tired.

Your words make me sick.

Stop telling me how you feel to provoke me.

The smell attacked my nose, making me gag.

You speak as if you did no wrong.

Why are you being so casual with me after what you just did?

Why can't you say you betrayed me and tell me to go?

Apologize to me. It's the least I deserve.

But you don't.

The smell lingers in the air, surrounding my space. I really need to throw up.

I run into my room and grab a new set of clothes.

Running inside to the bathroom, I turned the shower on and aggressively cleaned myself for an hour until I no longer felt sick.

Stumbling back, I just sat down in the tub.

Unlike the other times, there weren't any tears. Just a serene sense of heartbreak.

At least I held myself back from running in there like the other times.

I didn't speak to you or ask any questions.

You are wrong but I get the punishment.

I can't even say we have been doing so good. Afterall, it's just been us tolerating each other these past few years.

The first two times, we weren't the happiest but I still believed you loved me.

I gave up on that lie by now.

I've come to realize it was never love. I was just an achievement you can display for others.

Sitting in the tub, I realized the water was overflowing.

Can I do nothing right?

I got back up and hurried to stop the shower and clean up. Scared of what you'll do to me if you find out.

When I came out, you looked at me as if I was the one that cheated right in front of her wife.

I just quietly shuffled my feet into my room.

Sitting in bed, I opened up my laptop to work again.

There's nothing else to do.

I know I can't leave.

Not with you holding my strings.

I just want a way out. I've suffered for years.

Just free me, Jennie.

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I was in a bad mood 💀 anyway, posted fluff right after as usual :)