Just Me Ranting

Distracting

I'm sorry I just wanna distract myself cause I'm starting to spiral and I can't impulsively kms. Okay, I'll talk about Bucky Barnes.

Yk as cringe as it may sound he's basically one of the biggest reasons I ain't dead rn. Anytime I'm having a breakdown or just simply feeling low I just wrap myself in a blanket, cuddle a pillow (ik ik, just don't judge me), and just watch any of the cap movies or a compilation of his scenes.

I wish I knew why or when he became my comfort character but I just don't know. 

I'm sorry I started crying... I'm sorry. I don't feel good. I feel lonely, and the thing is I push everyone away. I can never make friends or just anything. I hate myself soo much. I hate myself for always taking the people who love me for granted. I hate that I'll never be enough no matter what I do, the worst part is I don't even try.

I could always get up, take a shower and do something productive but I can't do it. I don't do it. 

My brother deserves soo much better than me. I always end up snapping at him, he cried today cuz no one was talking to him. I was tryna study, my parents were on their phones and he just broke down. I don't want him to end up like me. I don't want him to grow up to hate himself, to stay up at night to tire himself out cause otherwise, he'll only end up spiraling. 

My mum says I love him the most but I don't think that's true. I would've been there to help him fall asleep if I really loved him. I would've been a better person if I really loved him. I can only give him 1% of the love he deserves and I hate it.

I'm sorry. I'm soo fucking sorry for being the way I am.

It's 4:45 am, 29th August.

I don't think I can do this anymore. EVEN THOUGH NO ONE IS IN THIS FUCKING ROOM I FEEL LIKE AN ATTENTION SEEKER?! 

I don't think I'll be living any longer.

I have stopped crying now, i legit started writing this shit at 4 and it's 4:50 now. Haha.

Whatever bye.