Just Me Ranting

comeback

Years have passed. Not many, but enough.

I joined college, failed neet... Terribly. But I'm better now. Better in the sense i do not dream about death to myself in the most brutal of ways. But while I may not ponder over the meaning of myself, the feeling of festering negativity still lives.

I saw a picture of the kid I knew when I was one. He is not a child anymore, should not have surprised me as much as it did. But what stood out to me the most was the woman standing behind him and as my eyes widened I finally read the glaring caption...

"..and yes I would still live you if you were a worm."

I should've smiled, maybe even leave a cute comment but i stilled as the feeling of utter dread took me over.

Now do not get me wrong for I never liked him not do I do now. My heart skip less beats in his presence than it does when I'm washing my hands.

But why the dread? Why was my smile suddenly giving into gravity? Want.

I wanted that, i still do. I crave to be loved and to love. I want someone to hold me as much as the blind wants to see.

And even as I say that I know i will never have it. Not because im the worst thing known to mankind or because of my barf worthy face. I know I will never feel the romantic affection of another because of my own being.

I crave the touch I also despise. I crave the love i never accept. I do not know what my mind wants when it wants thing until it has them.

I wish there was a way to seperate my soul from my mind and have a little chat for maybe I'll finally know what it's like to play fools on someone.