A Victim's Aftermath [MEDICAL SERIES #2]

CHAPTER 28: Blade

Trigger Warning:

Depressive and cluttered thoughts, suicidal ideation, suicide, sexual abuse, violence, misogyny
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NICCO

"SALAMAT sa paghatid," Jayla said while smiling before kissing my cheek.

Halos araw-araw ko na siyang hinahatid pero hindi siya nagsasawang magpasalamat sa paghatid ko sa kanya. And the fact that she's not afraid to smile at me and kiss me in public despite all my shortcomings, I know I am in the right hands.

I smiled back at her and played with her bangs. "Punta na ko sa Med building."

She nodded then umalis na ko. Habang naglakakad papunta sa Med building ay hindi mapalagay ang loob ko. I've been a bullshit drunkard these past few weeks, nag-take nga ako ng mid-term ng lasing, and Jayla has always been there for me.

Hindi ko alam bakit hindi niya pa rin ako iniiwan. I am slowly drowning, but she became my anchor ready to save me.

Deserve ko pa ba si Jayla?

Huminga ako nang malalim at nagdesisyong bumalik sa Law building para ayain ulit siya mag-date mamaya.

I know she rejected me already but I want to try my luck again. I've been going home drunk, nakalimutan ko nang lumabas kasama siya.

Binilisan ko ang paglalalad pabalik ng Law building para maabutan siya. Pumasok ako sa open hallway nang hindi ko agad siya nakita, pero nang nakita ko siya ay parehong scenario lang ang naabutan ko.

I saw her talking to that Grant...again. At parang seryoso ang pinag-uusapan nilang dalawa.

"Relationship has a lot of ingredients, hindi lang love," that guy named Grant said. "Nariyan ang trust, care, loyalty, responsibility, and all the other things. Aside sa love, nakikita mo pa bang lahat 'yon sa kanya? Are you still not hurting?"

Alam kong ako ang pinag-uusapan nila. And Grant's words hit me like a lightning. Bigla akong parang nauntog at natauhan sa lahat-lahat ng naging pagkukulang ko kay Jayla. Sure I love her, pero bakit pakiramdam ko tumatakbo ako sa responsibilidad ko sa kanya?

Jayla looked at him. "If love is not an enough reason to stay, then I guess pain is also not an enough reason to let go. Love hurts, Grant. If you aren't hurting, then it's not love. I love Nicco and he loves me as well...a lot. And you just don't give up on love, you fight for it...you fight with it."

No, Jayla. Love shouldn't hurt you, love should make you happy. It's not the love that hurts, it's the rejection that hurts; it's the waiting, the frustration, the expectation that hurts. It's the feeling of loneliness and being less taken care of that hurts. And with all these things that hurts, love should be the cure. Love heals. It is not supposed to hurt you.

And I'm sorry if I am hurting you.

Lumabas na ko ng Law building at saka naglakad papunta sa Med building. At habang naglalakad ako ay kung ano-anong tanong ang pumapasok sa isipan ko.

Deserve ko pa ba si Jayla? What do I need to do in order to be enough? Why am I like this? Why am I such a loser? Bakit kahit anong gawin ko parang walang nangyayari?

Deserve pa ba ko ng mundo?

Deserve ko pa bang mabuhay?

Kakalakad ko ay hindi ko namalayang nandito na ko sa tapat ng classroom. Sunod-sunod akong huminga nang malalim dahil parang kakapusin ako ng hangin. Pinunasan ko rin ang pawis na namumuo sa noo ko at saka pumasok sa loob.