Our Ironic Serendipity (IM5)

Chapter 7

I sit on the bed, my forehead stuffed into my knees. There's a constant drip of tears from my eyes, as if a faucet hasn't been turned off all the way. All I can stare at is the puddle of tear drops on my bed sheets. Then, I stare into nothingness as the batteries in the electric candle go out. The only thing I can focus on now is my heartbeat getting louder by the second. I almost think it might explode.

My mind drifts to Grace.

I remember when we were younger we would play this game when it was cold out during the winters. It was my favorite game.
It barely ever snows in California, but the roads would freeze over with ice. So, what Grace and I would do is carry these big buckets of water back and forth to the hill and pour water all over it until the water froze over and we would have our own ice slide. Then, we would excitedly run towards my house, sometimes racing, and brought back an extra bucket filled with water and two pieces of cardboard to use as sleds. The rules of the game were that the first person to get down the road wins, and the loser has to pour a bucket of water over herself. Often times, I would lose because Grace was chubbier than me and sled faster down the road than I did. I always got in trouble for coming home in a wet coat, but the fact that I had fun with Grace made up for the 20 minute time out I got each time.
We stopped playing the game after Grace's mom left.

I snap out of the memory, trying to return to my body.

Sweaty but cold, that's my current mental state. Never mind, it might be my physical state. I'm not sure due to how long I've been sitting here in the same spot, feeling numb from the pain I keep causing everyone.

Pain. It's one of those words that starts to sound funny once you repeat it too many times.

"Pain," I whisper. Maybe it'll become funny if I say it enough times.

"Pain," I repeat.

"Pain." My mind is blank.

"Pain." It still hurts.

"Pain." It's still there.

"Pain." It still isn't funny.

I want to continue the chain, but something snaps me out of my mind. It's the door. I hear it open.

"Rose?" someone says. I look up, only to see Will standing in front of me. He seems confused at first, but quickly takes notice of my tear-stained cheeks.

"Rosetta, are you okay?" he rushes to my side, not bothering with keeping personal space. I don't answer. I don't think I even know how to answer.

"Stay right here, I'll get you a glass of water," he leaves the room, leaving the door open. I look at the doorway, not blinking once. My face feels like it has lost all shape and form. I don't think I can remember what I look like.

Will comes back to my side, handing me the glass of water. I don't move.

"Rose, please take the water." His voice heaves me out of my numbness, putting my soul intact.

That's when I break. My eyes begin to water quickly and something heavy rips through my throat. I begin to scream and sob all at once.

Why did I do this? It's all my fault. I was the one who caused this. She doesn't deserve this. She didn't do anything. How could I be such a horrible human being? I'm a monster. This is my fault. It's all my fault.

If only I was a better friend. If only I was there for her more.

I can feel my body rock back and forth. I can hear the screeching noise coming from my throat. I can see the room around me spinning like a carousel. What I can't feel, hear, or see is Will. I know he's here, but something is preventing my physical form from reaching out to him. I feel like something else is in control of my body, something much stronger and darker than myself.