Chasing Innocence | ✓

45 | in memoriam

Casey Spencer Williams
Beloved son, brother and friend

I can read it from a distance. The swirls of the engraving. The plain slab of cement marking the spot where a not so plain boy will rest forever.

People mill around his grave dressed in black. A drizzle of rain begins to fall as I cower beneath the big oak tree metres away from the small crowd. I hope my umbrella covers enough of my face to remain anonymous.

Sofía has her hair down, sprawled across her shoulders as she stares at the hole, crying openly. Xavier has his arm wrapped around her shoulders as his eyes glint with tears.

I spot Marco next. He's dressed in an identical suit to Xavier's. His face is stoic, as though he's thinking intently. His brows are pulled into a deep frown as he watches the casket lower.

A women lets out a harrowing cry. It's Léana, Casey's mother. Two men who could pass as Marco from behind with their identical shaved heads covered in tattoos grip her arms, hauling her away from the scene.

My chest constricts. She is already in such a dark place. I can only imagine what this may do to her now.

Her screaming is all I hear until she finds the safety of a dark car. They help her into the back and the rain pattering against my umbrella consumes any other noise.

I tell myself I'm not looking for him, but when my gaze finds him, I know I should stop lying to myself. My hand tightens around the umbrella.

It's only been a week, but everything feels so different. I haven't been back to the house to collect my things. Maia had picked me up from the hospital and I hadn't left the apartment.

Until today.

Any sign of the man I saw last week in the hospital isn't visible now. He's dressed in black pants and a matching blazer. His dark hair hangs limply around his face from the rain. He watches the casket as it disappears from view. People begin to pick up small piles of earth, drifting towards the casket. He doesn't move. He keeps watching.

As others begin to disperse and the crowd thins, I watch Brax as he remains unfazed by the weather. He doesn't seem to notice anything else around him but the dirt that is being shovelled into the hole.

Sof begins to walk back towards the car that Lèana was carried towards. Xavier is walking beside her, his arm wound tightly across her shoulders.

My eyes flicker back towards Brax as he stands over the grave. I hear murmuring as Marco begins talking to him. Brax still doesn't move, watching the man shovelling more and more dirt over the grave of his youngest brother.

Marco goes to reach out, but his hand stops midair. I notice the tightening of Brax's jaw, mirrored in the way he holds his fists by his sides. Marco knows better than to upset him today. He begins to walk off.

Our eyes meet across the cemetery. Marco watches me with a stoic expression until he makes it to the car. He goes to tug on the handle, but he stops, turning back to me.

Marco reaches me as I cross the archway of the entry to the cemetery. "Rhea," he calls softly, like he's unsure of how I may react.

I don't turn around, but I do stop as he reaches for my shoulder. "I was just leaving," I say quietly.

"Sof was hoping you'd come," he says. "She thinks you didn't. She's angry."

He moves to stand in front of me. I move the umbrella to cover both of us. "I couldn't— I didn't want to intrude."

"Intrude?" he bites. "Casey—"

"Don't," I interrupt. "Please, don't."

I've never liked Marco, but for a moment, I see him softening. I see that maybe he cared for Casey more than he ever wanted to admit.

"You think they hate you, don't you? That maybe they blame you?"

"I need to go," I side step him but he grabs my arm.

"Don't pull away now," he states. "I know we haven't always seen eye-to-eye, but they need you just as much as you need them."

I didn't want to admit how much I had come to find myself thinking about the Patridge family. I had spent so long despising their choices that it confused me to realise that something had changed without me being aware.

He lets go of my arm and I walk towards Maia's car. I can see her in the drivers seat, reading a book. She's lost in the story, he eyebrows pulled together.

"He needs you," Marco calls as I walk away. I don't need him to tell me who he means. I'd seen the broken boy standing over his brother's grave like he wasn't sure how to go on.

My footsteps halt as I adjust my sling. I clench the umbrella, unable to stop the sob that begins too soon. I thought I'd at least make it home before this happened.

I'd lost count how many nights I'd cried myself to sleep recently. How many days I'd wake up from new nightmares.

I'd escaped my past just to end up here, facing new demons.

Maia looks up as I approach, shutting her book as she steps out of the car. "Hey," she says quietly, taking the umbrella from me as I walk towards the passenger seat, covering my mouth.

I try to put my seatbelt on but it won't budge. I pull on it slowly, hoping it'll just give me a fucking break. It doesn't move as I pull harder, before slamming my hands against the dashboard in anger as I cry.

"Ree," Maia says in alarm, slamming the door behind her. "Hey. You're gonna be okay."

"But Casey won't be!" I shout, turning to her in my seat. "He's in the fucking ground because I took him to the beach even though I knew — I knew — people were after us. I put him in danger. I killed him."

"No," she snaps, taking my face in her hands. "Don't do that. Don't blame yourself for an evil man's actions."

"I killed him," I sob. "I let him die."

"Listen to me," she says sternly. "Don't you dare do this. I won't let you ruin yourself over something that isn't your fault. You tried your best to help him."

"But it wasn't enough," I cry. "It's never enough."

She pulls me against her across the console. My ribs dig into the hard material of the glove box as I cry against her shoulder.

When she pulls away, she doesn't let go of my hand, holding on tightly as she drives us home, letting me cry silently.