As Long As I'm Happy

1

I was fresh out of college when the man I'd been in love with for eight years married my best friend.

The only way I can describe the feeling is like you're sitting under water. The pressure of the water is pushing on your lungs and it's dark. You can open your eyes but it stings to look. You can't breathe and there is seldom a moment where panic doesn't bombard your senses, along with a thick air of dread.

I can't complain about it because I put myself there. I had chained myself to the ocean floor, full well knowing what would happen when I did it. And for what?

All for the sake of someone who would never, and will never love me.

I looked into his eyes every day, and whilst my eyes stung as the water attacked them, it felt like I could breathe for a moment. The pressure kept its hold on my lungs, but I no longer felt that panic and dread. I guess that's what kept me under water.

I looked at every aspect of his personality with complete and utter adoration. This was a man I could never let go of. This was a man, for whom I would die to make happy. His happiness was worth more than my life and I spent eight years of my life brainwashed by my own sick idea.

No matter how much my lungs ached for air, I held myself down, making the chain shorter and shorter so that no matter how much I wanted to come up for air, I stayed under water, because I thought that maybe if the water filled my lungs, it would be enough for him to look at me with more than eyes of friendship. I told myself that maybe if I could let the water deep into my lungs and still put on a brave face like some sort of sick show girl, maybe... just maybe he would finally see the feelings I had been harbouring for years. He wouldn't.

That fact was beaten into my when the water finally flooded my lungs.

My head was buried in Taehyun's shoulder and I lifted my head to take one last look at the one that I loved, because I knew it was over.

Beomgyu's smile was so wide and so endearing. One of the many facets of him that I loved so dearly. Previously I had seen every clue and every piece of evidence that pointed towards a platonic relationship between us. I'd seen it and disregarded it, but this was the final attempt I ever took at holding my breath. I buried my head in Taehyun's shoulder once again and the water finally entered my lungs. Reality had finally kicked in.

All of the pain I had endured for him, only to be met with indifference. All of the things I had done to be met with a small glance. The chain I had attached myself to at the bottom of the ocean, all while he had the time of his life on the beach.

For a moment as I sobbed into Taehyun's shoulder, I resented Beomgyu. I hated him. I loathed him. I knew he stood behind Taehyun with that stupid smile on his face, unaware of how I was drowning. He was so stupid for not noticing and I hated him for it. But then I took a moment to reflect and realized that it wasn't his fault. I had made sure I was far enough away that he couldn't even see me. Why would that be his fault? It was my fault.

For the past eight years, my motto had been 'as long as he's happy'. In that moment, as I sobbed into Taehyun's shoulder in utter confusion and madness, I decided I would have a new motto. It didn't matter if he was happy anymore.

As long as I'm happy.