As Long As I'm Happy

8

Dread is one of the heaviest emotions you can feel after you've been fine for a while.

I'd finally gotten a breath of fresh air. I'd been breathing fine and suddenly an anvil attached itself to my ankle and I was left clawing at the chains and screaming for help in a panic. The water filled my lungs all in the blink of an eye.

"I love you."

Oh how I'd longed to hear those words. I'd wanted to hear them for such a long time. I'd yearned for them for years. So why did my lungs burn and why couldn't I breathe?

Beomgyu stood in front of me declaring his love for me finally and there I was, wanting to run away from this and live in ignorant bliss by Taehyun's side.

It was a late night and I had worked the closing shift at the small establishment I'd been working at for years. I was walking home, hoping to crawl into bed and have Taehyun's warm arms wrap around me so I could fall asleep with a smile on my face.

On my walk home, I'd been confronted by a familiar face who had dragged me from my regular route to the small, intimate park at which we currently stood.

There was barely a word in between the time we'd met and his confession. That's why I was so confused. Not only had I been dragged back down into a place I no longer wanted to reside, but with a single statement he had intoxicated my brain with confusion.

"I... you... what?" I asked, not being able to coherently string words together.

"We got a divorce," he simply stated, taking a step closer.

"What?!" You asked again, shaking your head slightly in denial.

"It took me a long time to realize, but it's always been you."

It was that sentence that snapped me back into reality.

"You can't do this!" I yelled at him, my voice echoing in the night.

"I-"

"No! You don't get to talk," I interrupted him, throwing my work bag down in some sort of tantrum. "I spent eight whole years pining after you! Eight whole years and not a single glance my way! I was finally over this! I was better! What gives you the right?" I asked, my distressed voice breaking the silence.

Not only was I distressed but at these words, Beomgyu seemed distressed too.

"You liked me?" He asked after a moment of silence.

"I loved you! Everything I did for you was because I wanted you to be happy because I loved you so damn much!" I yelled at him, bringing my hands to my head. "I was better! You can't do this!" I cried, my voice cracking as I knelt down pulling at my hair.

"I'm sorry," he started, kneeling down beside me and placing a hand on my shoulder.

I fell backwards trying to escape his touch. My hands scraped against the concrete walkway as I pushed myself away from him.

"Listen," I started, my voice cracking. "You're allowed to have your feelings but I need to be selfish right now. I get that you're going through a hard time, but you should take some time to yourself. I know you probably need someone, but that someone can't be me anymore and it won't ever be me again. It may have been you for a long long time, but now it's Taehyun. Right now, it's Taehyun and it will continue to be Taehyun," I told him, collecting myself and shoving down the lump in my throat. I picked up my bag from the ground and I began my long trek home, leaving Beomgyu behind to think this through.

As I walked away, it still weighed heavily on my chest, but I felt like I was able to breathe. I definitely wasn't okay, but I wasn't drowning and that was enough to make be feel better.