As Long As I'm Happy

5

Taehyun and I began spending a lot more time with each other. These hours we spent together didn't feel forced anymore. We no longer felt like we had to use each other to put on an act for others. Now it was just me and him sitting together, learning about each other and most importantly, learning about ourselves.

In those eight years we'd spend being dependent on the ones we'd loved, we'd lost a lot of time to discover ourselves. Rather than figuring out what we liked, we based our actions on what would make others happy.

I took more time to think about what I was feeling and it occurred to me that dependant was a good term. It may not seem like it on the surface but the more I thought about it, the more it seemed like a perfect word to describe it.

Often I would find myself thinking "I'll be okay as long as he's happy." I was basing my feelings off of his rather than having my own feelings. Quite honestly, he could've been the happiest man in the world and I never would've been okay.

Taehyun and I had begun to think past our mindless actions and I found myself smiling more genuinely. If I was being honest, I was becoming more dependant on him. I'd been trying to be more independent, but dependency was all I knew. We had discussed it and he had said that he was okay if I leaned on him a little, so long as I would allow him to do the same.

And just like that, we were actually dating. For the first time in our lives, we'd declared an unforced title that we both wanted. Whilst this relationship by no means started out as healthy, it had developed into a relationship that we both wanted.

Of course, I still had a ring on my finger, but that ring felt more like a promise than an engagement. It was a promise that we would both get better. It was a promise that we would be okay.