What About Me?

Deep, Dark Tunnel- Chapter Ten

TW⚠️: Mentions of self harm and blood

Akaashi's POV
Well, we've looked at about 100 different places. More like 6, a mix of both smaller houses and different sized apartments. Me and Bo didn't make a decision today, we might even look at more. But I decided we've left Kenma alone for a while, and figured we should go home with some food...

However, Bo said I was being paranoid again and we should let him be alone for a while. He suggested that we go and eat at a restaurant, then bring Kenma something back. Even though I didn't quite like the idea, I caved in and took his suggestion. We picked a place that seemed nice, went in, sat down, then started to talk. Bo started to ramble on about the places we saw today and which ones he liked the most, saying things like "... the room seemed small... that one had a bigger living room...." And so on, but I wasn't really paying attention. I had this feeling of uneasiness. This feeling comes along when Kenma isn't doing good... Usually he's harmed or hurt himself, or he's really upset about something. The only reason I know this is because I've decided to call him when I have this feeling. He would try to lie and say he was fine, but ended up crying and telling me about what happened or why he felt down. His would would be broken... I could just picture the tears pouring out of his eyes and down his face...

"Keiji. Keiji are you alright?!" I lift my head up in shock, leading myself out of my thoughts. Bokuto was holding my hand now, his face looking very concerned. I was too deep in thought that I didn't realize I, myself, had started to cry. I bring my free hand up to my cheek and wipe away the tears. "I would say yes, but you would know that I'm lying..." He rubs his thumb on my hand and places his other hand on my face. "Baby, tell me what's wrong." Before I can even think to respond, I instinctively lean my head into his hand and cry silently. My breathing was a bit heavy, but no sobs were made. I can't tell if people are staring, although why wouldn't they stare at a grown man crying. Not saying men can't cry, but it's not stereotypical to see a guy crying, especially in public. And you know how many people follow stereotypes.

Even though I couldn't see him, I could feel the hurt on Bo's face. I don't even have to tell him. He already knows. He feels the same way. He hurts and feels the same way I do about Kenma. We will always be there for him no matter what, but it always pains me to see him hurt himself, say the most awful things about himself, or just sit there and simply say he doesn't want to live anymore. He only did that once or twice in front of me, and that was at his worst moments...

I'm able to calm myself down and collect my thoughts again. "I hate to see him so down and so torn. I want to help him... I want to make him smile and be happy... but it always seems like something is always in his way that tears him down and drags him so far away from the light he's almost reached. Bo, I- I-" Bokuto shushes me, and solemnly nods.

"I know Keiji. I know... No one understands more than me how you feel. I understand everything you're saying, because I feel the exact same way. Never doubt that you don't help him. In all honesty, even though it hurts to say this, he would probably be gone without you here. Or, he simply wouldn't be himself. I don't think I've ever seen a friend there for someone as much as you are for Kenma. You help him go in the direction he needs to go, you help him see the light shine at the end of the tunnel. You're the person that keeps him pushing forward and leads him down the better path. But you're right, there's always something that pushes him away, farther from where he started before. No matter what it may be, if it's something little or big, it all adds up and takes a toll on him. So, don't ever think that you aren't helping him. You help him by being here, by caring for him."

He always knows what to say to make me feel even just the slightest bit better... "I'm sorry, but I would like to go home." He shakes his head. "No need to be sorry, I completely understand. Would you like me to order the food to go while you wait in the car? That way you wouldn't have to stay in here with everyone around. I nod and wipe my eyes and cheeks off. "That's fine. I'll be waiting in the car then. I love you." He takes my hand and places a soft kiss on it. "I love you too Keiji." I smile and he lets go of my hand. I get up and walk out of the restaurant. The cool evening air calms me down a bit. Heh, maybe I just needed a breath of fresh air. I make it to the car, and start playing some music on the radio. I'm not the type of person to get upset, or really even cry. I just couldn't help it. I'll always be there to listen to Kenma and do whatever will help him, but I think all the negative things that happen to him or that he says has taken me down as well. It's nothing serious, I'm fine. It just hurts. He's my best friend, I don't want to see him like that.