If I Try (Lesbian Story)

When We Were Young

"No matter where you are or where you grow up, you always go through the same awkward moments of being a teenager and growing up and trying to figure out who you are." -Aimee Teegarden

Growing up, I was a really good kid. I mean you don't understand, I was the kid that every parent wanted and every kid envied. Mothers would ask me all the time if I was single because they wanted someone like me to marry their sons. I was the teachers pet in elementary school and the sweet and innocent blonde haired blue eyed angel that I looked like I was. I was not a snotty little brat that wanted attention, I was the tom boy that got along with all the boys and was outside every chance I got. Of course, I always had girl friends too, I just never liked to play with dolls or dress up. I was really good at sports too. I was not perfect, I came from a broken home. My mom was the sweetest lady on earth. She would do anything for anybody, even if it meant giving up something she needed so some random stranger could have something they needed. My dad? He was a stupid bastard that could not keep it in his pants if he had to. He abandoned me and my sister when I was only four, and she was 17, so I never had a relationship with him. Never planed on it either. So needless to say no, I wasn't perfect but I would rather hide in a corner than get negative attention. Yea, I think I was born a people pleaser. I was also raised in a southern baptist church. Mind your elders, don't drink or do drugs, no sex before marriage, no cussing or lying, ugh basically no fun? You get the gist.

In high school I was a straight A student, played varsity basketball, softball, track, and golf all four years. I only had one boyfriend in high school. We dated our sophomore and junior years and then he broke up with me over instant messaging on the computer. I mean seriously? I was heartbroken. Of course the sad thing about our relationship was that we never did anything. Remember how I said I was a good girl? Well I was too good of a girl. We pecked on the lips twice, seriously, I couldn't even call it a kiss! So I graduate high school and I get into a really good university in my hometown. I got some awesome academic scholarships and one for playing golf. However, the golf scholarship was short lived after a water skiing accident left me with a broken leg during the first week of summer after graduating. So my last "free summer" as a "kid" was spent in a cast and then doing legal steroids and physical therapy. To say I fell into a funk is a bit of an understatement. I went into a state of severe depression, which happens to run in my family. So do you know the result of antidepressants, birth control for bad cramps and acne, no physical activity and a mix of steroids are? Going from a healthy one fifteen to two fifteen in four months. To say I lost myself was a huge understatement. I mean, ok, I went from a tiny five foot six inch long blonde hair blue eyed beauty to a five foot six inch curvy balloon. I got my waist length gold locks chopped to my shoulders so it would fit my much rounder face and decided to go out in public again. My best friend in the entire universe, Lacey, encouraged me to just be me and it would still be ok. I met her when I was in first grade and she has been by my side ever since. I took it to heart and that is when I went to my first college party! Don't get too excited it was for the local college ministries, I know, badass right? I stepped out onto the open grass field and that's the first time I ever saw him.

He had an orange Hollister shirt on with faded blue jeans and tennis shoes. His eyes were a soft blue with his shaggy blonde hair falling in front of them, and his smile was adorably shy. His eyes met mine and he came over and started talking to me. That was the day before classes started my freshman year of college. I won't go on about our whirlwind romance story because you know the ending. I will just say that he was always a perfect gentleman. He always respected my boundaries and loved me despite all my flaws. We were active in our church, serving in our college ministry in leadership roles together. We loved hanging out together playing cards and watching movies. Throughout our four years of college together we never had a fight, we were seriously good together. He became my best friend.

When we got married we were both virgins. He even waited until the second night of our honeymoon for me to be comfortable with him and us before we even tried. To say he was perfect was not a lie, it was the Gods honest truth. I guess that's why it was so hard to lose him. I told him about a year into our marriage that if I hadn't met him I wouldn't have gotten married. Mostly because of my parents past, my heart was burned, and I knew he was the only guy that I would ever love. Yea I realized maybe a little to late that I had some serious daddy issues; I hated most men. We got married when we were twenty one years old. We were married for six years. About four years into the marriage I realized something. It was something huge, and I kept it to myself. I actually vowed to keep it to myself as long as we were still married, until I died. Because if I were to let anyone know what it was, I would be shunned and alone. So, for two years I lived like I did before. I cooked every day, kept the house cleaned, and kept my man satisfied. Even though part of me was confused and lonely, I was still happier than I had ever been. Why not, especially, when I was comfortable, safe, secure, and loved, but I still couldn't deny who I was deep inside, a lesbian.