If I Try (Lesbian Story)

When I'm With You, I'm Standing With An Army

"We can't undo a single thing we have ever done, but we can make decisions today, that propel us to the life we want and towards the healing we need." - Dr. Steve Maraboli

The next day I woke up with a genuine smile on my face. What is that feeling? I don't really understand it. It kind of feels like peace. There isn't any kind of internal battle waging in my head. My heart isn't pounding in my chest. There aren't any butterflies or dread looming in the pit of my stomach. There isn't any one thing that I need or crave. This is a little frightening, in the best possible way. I stuck my hand out and for once it didn't shake.

I jumped when I heard my phone going off.
"Hello?" I answered without even checking to see who it was.
"Ally?" A husky voice questioned.
"Aaron!" I answered excitingly.
"It is you. I heard you were back in town. Were you going to just not tell me?"
I chuckled I could hear the pout in his voice. "I was actually goin to come see you today."
"Sure you were. Are you up for going to lunch?"
"Yes if it's nice and greasy count me in."
"Fish tacos?" He questioned.
"Uh yes duh, when?" I sarcastically answered.
"Twenty mins don't be late" he hung up.
Well that was rude. What time is it anyway? Dang it. It's already twelve o'clock, I slept way too long.  I hurried out of bed, put on some khaki shorts with a v-neck t-shirt, and threw my hair up in a messy pony tail.  I noticed a note from Nic sitting on the kitchen countertop 'gone to meet the future ball and chain, don't wait up love.'  I laughed and shook my head that chick is definitely crazy.  I grabbed my helmet and ran out the door to meet Aaron.

Maybel was outside watering her flowers and as I was getting on my bike she said,
"Hey Ally."
I smiled and said "Hey Maybel, how are you doing today?"
"Doing just great, it's another day, how about you, young lady?"
"I think I'm doing pretty good today actually."
"I can tell you are."
"How can you tell that?"
"You have some color to your cheeks for once, you've been really pale ever since I first saw you."
I tilted my head as I thought about what she said.
"Thank you for being so nice to Peyton yesterday.  I was really worried about her moving out here and not knowing anyone."
I shook my head "You shouldn't be worried about her, she seems wonderful and extremely sweet."
"She is, and that can be a problem at times" her forehead ruffled as she said this and it made me really curious.
"I'll look out for her May, I know some people around here, I'll introduce her to them."
"That would be great Ally, thank you."
"Have a good day Maybel."
"You too Ally."
I started the bike up and felt electricity running through my body as she purred to life.  I love my bike.  I had a huge smile as I rode away to meet Aaron.

My mouth was watering when I opened the doors to the restaurant.  The smell of the food assaulted my nose and I felt my stomach growl. 
"Damn, someone is hungry." I heard a husky voice say to my right.
A Cheshire cat smile immediately took over my face as I turned and jumped into his steady arms.  He tightly hugged me back.  I wonder if this feeling is what it's like to have a brother. I think it is, because that is what I feel like, like I'm finally home.
"I so missed you" I muttered.
"I missed you too" he gently responded.
We finally let go of each other.  We both had tears in our eyes.  When we finally realized it, they called a number and he coughed and said "That's our food, let's go sit." I followed him to a table and he went and got our food. 
"Here's your food woman."  He said setting the tray in front of me. He knew exactly what I liked.
I laughed and said "Thanks peckerhead."
He smiled.  I noticed it was more of a man smile, even though he still had some of the boyish smile that he had when I first met him. 
We ate silently.  The food was better than I remembered.  I missed this.  It was comfortable, there was no trying, no resisting, just easy and natural.
"Ally," he started.
"Uh-oh" I answered.
He gave me the 'listen to me young lady' look.
Wait.  What.  When did he get the dad look??
He started again, "Ally, what the fuck where you thinking?"
Ah I get it now.  He wasn't going to beat around the bush.  Might as well get it all out.
"I wasn't thinkin.  As a matter fact, I was plum tired of thinkin. I wanted everything to stop.  No matter how hard I tried, it wouldn't stop.  The pain, the thoughts, everything.  It kept going and going and going.  I was tired."
"That sounds like you were just being a coward."
"Bingo."
"You aren't a coward Ally."
"I know that now."
Silence.
"Are you ok now?"
"I'm gettin there."
He nodded.
"I want you to know, that you aren't alone.  You weren't then either, but you were too blind, or proud, or stupid to see that. Now, you have no excuse, you know I'm here."
"I know, thank you."
"I mean it."
"I know you do."
"Good."
Silence.
Biting the inside of my lip I said, "Thank you, I'm goin to take you up on that this time."
He smiled "You better, I'm going to keep you in check.  I thought I lost you.  Hell, we all thought we lost you.  That was miserable.  Never again. Ok?"
I nodded "Ok."
"So, have you seen Lisa?"
"Yea, I went and saw her and peanut, everyone came so I saw them too."
"Wow all in one fell swoop huh."
"Might as well."
"How did it go?"
"It was hard, it was really really hard."
"But you still did it."
"I did.  Now I just have to get use to things bein the way they are."
"How was it between you and Vanessa?"
"Awkward, and tense, and emotional" I answered all at the same time.
"So you finally realized it?"
"Realized what?"
"That you were settling for Lisa when you really wanted Vanessa."
I stared at him.
"Don't give me that look."
"How the hell did you know?"
"Because I know you."
"I'm screwed."
"Not for a year I hear" he said laughing.
I laughed "that is so not fair."
"You did it to yourself."
"I know," I said with a huge sigh.
"Don't be down about it. You need to be by yourself for a little while.  You need to concentrate on you first.  Get better, feel better.  Then you can decide what is the best for you."
"I know.  Aaron when did you grow up?" I asked in a serious way.
"I don't even know" he responded.
We finished eating the oh so delicious greasy meal. I leaned back in my chair. This feeling of being full and completely content was something really new for me. I wasn't fighting it though, that's for sure.