Unfinished, You and I

Chapter Six: Written In The Stars

It's been two weeks of applying and getting no responses from any families on Care.com. As things started to feel like they were going downhill I finally get a response. I touch the notification that had popped up on my phone and I read the details of the job again before I make my decision. Reading over it I see that it would be around 2-3 days a week. Though I wish I would be working a little more, I ask about a trial day. After a couple of minutes of comparing schedules, we find the perfect date and time. I go to my text messages and I click on Travis's name, almost forgetting about the situation we are in. It's been a month and a half and I still do this out of habit. We used to talk every day about the smallest things, but now that I don't have that anymore it's become such a big deal. I miss asking about his day and telling him about my own. I go over the texts he had sent me over the month and a wave of sadness comes over me. I can't understand why my decision not to move in affected us so much. I just wasn't ready for such a big step. I respected that he didn't want to get together and how he wanted to take it slow, so why couldn't he do the same for me?

I sit up from my bed, where I've been laying for quite some time, and I look around the room. Everything is organized, not a single thing out of place. Sighing, I get off of the bed and go to my closet. I decided I needed to get out of the house so I throw on a pair of jeans and my watermelon button-up shirt. I look at myself in the mirror and I smile. I smile because life is finally taking a turn. After quitting my job and applying to work as a nanny and getting no responses, finally getting an offer really brightened my mood. I needed this job. I need to feel like I have a purpose. Things were finally turning around and I think I deserved to be out and about. I look up at the clock and it's twenty-five till four. I stayed inside the whole day and I don't necessarily feel good about it. For these past few weeks, I've been cooped up inside my apartment unless I wanted food or the occasional walk I'd go on.

I walk out of my room to find the living room as I did my room, organized and not one thing out of place. My head was starting to feel clear as well, I'm still down about Travis and me but with everything starting to feel like it's progressing I can't help but feel as though we would meet again. We'd be meeting as strangers that know a little about each other, but that's how it felt in the first place. I felt as though I knew who he was and that I was okay to be open with him. I felt safe with him. The connection just sparked up. Upon meeting him I felt nervous, but after a few minutes, I felt as though I could loosen up and be who I really am.

I grab my keys from the kitchen counter and the smell of bleach invades my nose. I had deep cleaned the house a couple of times these past few weeks, a day for the living room then the bathrooms, my room, the kitchen, so-on-and-so-forth. I found peace in staying busy. I can say with certainty that keeping busy may be helping me evade my thoughts of sadness, but it's not helping me heal. I'm not even sure if I want to heal from this.

I walk out of my apartment and the halls are empty, not a soul in sight. I walk to the parking garage, not too far from my apartment, and go to my car. I get in and I sit there for a moment to think. It's a beautiful day and I need to get out. I want to go out. I put the keys in the ignition but I hesitate to start the car. I'm not sure what's stopping me. Is it intuition? Am I not ready to face the outside world yet? I need to do this. My trial day is in a couple of days and I know I'll do great, which means I'll be working soon as well. I finally start the car and a song comes on. A song that has been on repeat since we broke things off. Arcade by Duncan Laurence. I haven't been listening to music lately so this was the most recent song played on my phone. Immediately I am taken back to the time Travis told me he'd listen to this song because of his break up with his ex. Now I can't help but wonder if he listens to the same song about me or if he's just at another Angel's game.

I put the car in gear and start exiting the structure. I don't have anywhere specific in mind, so I just drive. One moment I was driving on Ball Road and the next thing you know I'm heading South on the 57. I realize where I'm going. A part of me wants to turn around and just go back home, but another part of me won't let me. I continue driving, getting onto 22 West. I know what the next turn is. How badly I just want to go in the opposite direction. Suddenly I feel the tears start to weld up. I struggle to fight the sobs coming. Finally, I let go. The tears stream down my face and my sobs become unbearable. I thought it would be one of those soft crying moments where the tears are the only thing, but no. I was ugly crying. I was screaming because the pain in my chest was at large. I've never experienced this pain to such a great length.