Unfinished, You and I

Chapter Eight: Conflict Of Interest

I wake up under the sheets and I feel a cool breeze hit my nude body. I turn over towards Travis to cuddle up against him and he wraps an arm around me without fully waking up. I'm still processing the events that took place last night because it all seemed surreal. I guess it's something to expect after two months of being together. I'm also realizing that last night was the first time we said 'I love you' to each other. I look up at this man that I am with and I wonder how I could've gotten so lucky. When we first broke things off, Travis said that I had deserved better, but he was the best that I had found. I don't think anyone could amount to the man that he is. If it wasn't him, I don't think it would be anyone else.

I look at the alarm clock and it's 3 am. I slowly get out of Travis's grasp and quietly get out of bed to avoid waking him. I walk out to the dining room and I look for a snack. Travis and I have been trying to eat healthier so the interest I have in our current selection of snacks isn't as high. I grab a water bottle and head back to the room. As I get back into bed, Travis wakes up.

"Hey. You okay?" He asks me, pulling me in close.

"Yeah. Just woke up for some reason so I got some water." I reply, snuggling up to him.

"Okay. I love you, baby." The tone in his voice was soft and genuine and I couldn't help but smile.

"I love you too," I reply to his statement, falling back to sleep.

I wake up, once again, to the sink being used in the bathroom. I stretch my arm out to Travis's side of the bed to see if he was there. He wasn't. I sit up and peek into the bathroom, and there he is. The love of my life, doing his morning routine as always. I get out of bed and join him in the bathroom. I go to my sink and I start washing up next to him.

"Good morning my love." He says to me as I start brushing my teeth.

"Good morning," I mumble through my toothbrush but flash him a smile.

Travis decided to walk up behind me and hug me from my waist, "How did you sleep last night?"

I spit out the toothpaste, "I slept alright. I randomly woke up at 3. Don't you remember?" I say chuckling and start swishing mouth wash.

"Not really." He says chuckling back.

I turn around to face him and all I can do is stare into his eyes. I have to look up ever so slightly. I smile at him and I wrap my arms around him. We stand here for a moment in each other's arms, appreciating this moment we have together. Since I moved in, we've hardly had time to be together. With our conflicting schedules and being exhausted by the time of getting back from our shifts, mornings are the only time we get to spend together. Though every morning is short-lived, I've come to appreciate it. I pull back a bit from the embrace and I kiss him. He puts both hands on my cheeks and lifts my face up a little. After the kiss, he leads me back to bed where we get back under the sheets and just cuddle. I look at the ring on my finger and Travis holds that very hand, analyzing the ring as well.

"It fits you." He says to me.

"Of course it does. You know me all too well." I smile up at him and give him a peck on the lips.

It's true. He knows me so well, yet I feel like he doesn't know me at all. What I've done in the past. Does he need to know about it? It feels like a lie holding back this information. Not that it's anybody's business, but how can we have a strong relationship if I'm hiding something so big? The things from my past are a make-or-break deal in past relationships I've had, whether it be friendships or partners.

"What's on your mind?" Travis asks staring into my eyes. I didn't realize I had dozed off.

"Nothing," I say to him smiling. Now it's a lie.

"Are you sure?" He asks fixing my hair.

"Yeah. I just spaced out for a second." I give him a fake smile. I know he sees right past it.

"Okay." He accepts that I don't want to talk about it. I know it bothers him that I don't have the nerve to say 'I don't want to talk about it' and it probably gives him doubt about himself. I hate that he does, but I lack the courage to say something like that. I feel like it gives off the sense that we'll talk about it later or that I'm hiding something.

"Would you love me if I had done horrible things in my past?" My voice cracks from the nervousness.

Travis sits up and faces me, I do the same, "I would." He responds with content.

"Why?" I'm genuinely curious as to why he was so confident in that response.

"Whatever you did or whoever you were, you clearly learned from it. The person you are now is what matters. Whatever mistakes you made, you learned from them. You came out on the other end. On the far end. You are selfless, kind, and compassionate. Nothing you say about your past can change that. If it's something you don't want to talk about, then it's a subject that doesn't need to be discussed unless you want it to be." He puts a hand on my cheek as he can see the anxiety rise in me.

"I was a really horrible person." I start to cry and Travis takes me in his arms.

"But now you are an amazing one." He starts rubbing the back of my hair.

My sobs become uncontrollable at this point. Is this what love is? An acceptance of who you are instead of who you used to be? A willingness to not need to know about each other's pasts because we know who we are present day? I wouldn't know this type of love. A shadow of my past has constantly be cast over me by the people who say they love me. Is this what unconditional love is? How is it that I can't know what love is and say that I love Travis? Am I enough for him? Will I be the man that he needs, nevertheless a man that he wants?

I wipe a final tear from my eyes and I fall asleep in his embrace. I've never felt safer than in this man's arms. I've never felt loved until I've heard his words. I've never felt like I've had a sturdy foundation until I met him. I have a home with him, no. He is my home. He is my happiness. They say if you lived without them before you met them, then you can live without them after. I wasn't living before I met you. I was surviving. It was when I met you that I started living. I felt alive. I craved the next day to happen. I was drowning. You were my breath of fresh air.

***

I wake up to Travis holding me tight. I must've been flinching due to my nightmares. He only holds me this tight when he knows my anxiety is getting to me. When I am breaking. He knows that he is the glue that holds every piece that is broken within me. I never wanted him to be the glue. I never wanted him to see how broken I can truly be. The destruction that I am. As selfless and empathetic as I can be, I destroy myself. I've never offered myself the courtesy to understand my pain. To follow my own advice. I've helped so many people, but for some reason, I can't seem to help myself. I know he'll get tired of me. I know what being the constant glue for someone's brokenness feels like, it's exhausting. It's conflicting. What was I doing for, or is this worth it, or is this person savable? All questions I've asked, causing a Conflict Of Interest.