Raising Cordelia

Chapter 7

TW - Anorexia, Abuse, Self Harm.

-CORDELIA-

When I woke up the next morning, Hailey was still asleep beside me on the couch.

I got up as quietly as I could and went to take a shower to wake myself up.

When I got into the bathroom I stood and looked at myself in the mirror for a second. I want Hailey's help, but how do I tell her I finally look the way I want to. That looking like this is the first time I've been happy in I don't even know how long. 

I had a stash of razors hidden in the cabinet with the towels, so I went to grab one but when I reached where they were they were gone. How did she know where they were? I had kept them hidden. I can't help but be mad at her. That is my stuff.

She must have woken up and seen me gone because I can hear her calling for me.

"Cordelia! Delia!" She yelled. I could tell she was freaked out.

I slowly opened the bathroom door and stepped out crossing my arms.

She threw her hand over her chest and let out a deep breath.

"You scared me." She said.

"Where are my razors?" I spit back. This has to be on my terms. I've only known her for a couple weeks.

"Delia sweetie, I um I had Kim check for them when she came to grab us some clothes." She said quietly.

"You threw them away!!" I yelled at her.

"Honey I'm only trying to protect you." She said walking towards me.

"Those were mine! How could you do that!!" I yelled as my breathing quickened. 

"Cordelia I'm sorry. I didn't want you to hurt yourself." She says.

"What! So you throw away my stuff! Just like everyone else has!!" I was so angry.

"I didn't think of it like that. I'm trying here Cordelia, I don't know what I'm supposed to do!" She said now yelling back.

"You want me to leave them there huh? You want me to let you hurt yourself?!" She yelled again.

My eyes widened as she stepped closer continuing to yell. I backed away from her as far as I could. I thought she was different. I thought she really cared. 

My back hit the wall and I started to panic staring at her. 

"Shit. Delia, I didn't mean it." She said stepping towards me and reaching her hand out.

I whimpered pulling away farther. 

"I'm just scared. When you passed out at the restaurant I didn't know what to do with myself. I let that happen. I told myself then I would do anything I could to protect you. God I'm a terrible parent." She said as she leaned back against the wall and sat down.

I watched her for a minute unsure how I felt about her. I understood what she was saying, but I've just seen this too many times. I want so badly to trust Hailey but the truth is I'm scared too.

After a few minutes I carefully made my way next to her and sat down.

"I'm sorry." I said quietly.

"For what? You didn't do anything. I didn't think of it that way. All I was thinking about was doing what I could, but that makes perfect sense that it would feel that way. I'm so sorry Delia." She said.

I leaned my head on her shoulder and closed my eyes. Almost instantly I felt her hand on my head. Maybe she really is different. Maybe I can trust her.

"I was scared to tell you, so I got mad. I guess I thought if I was mad first then I wouldn't be so hurt when you were mad." I said, I knew that barely made sense but how are you supposed to make sense of this.

"Scared to tell me what sweetie?" She asked and I felt a lump in my throat. She's really gonna hate me now.

"That I wanted to cut." I said and I couldn't hold the tears back.

"It's not your fault honey. Come here." She said and pulled me into a hug. 

"We'll figure this out." She said and we continued to sit on the floor for a while. 

"How about you go take a shower, and then we can go for a walk and get some breakfast." Hailey said.

"You don't have to go to work?" I asked.

"Nope, I had Voight give me the rest of the week off. It's just you and me." She said as we stood up.

I gave her a smile and went and showered and got dressed. It was barely fall, but I'm always cold so I put on a pair of jeans and a hoodie that Hailey had given me. 

"We need to get you some new clothes as well." Hailey said when I walked into the living room.

"You still want me to stay?" I asked.

"Of course. No matter what is happening, you have me now." She said and I smiled as we walked out the door.

I've always loved walking around Chicago. It's my favorite during the winter, especially when it's snowing. It's just so pretty. 

"I've come here since I was a kid." I said to Hailey as we came up on a little park.

"Your parents used to take you?" She asked quizzically.

"No, of course not." I said failing to hold back a laugh.

"This was my safe place. Safe for me usually meant alone, as twisted as that sounds for a kid in Chicago." I told her.

"You're an impressive kid you know that?" Hailey says and I chuckle.

"Yeah I guess so." I say.

"No I mean it. Most kids wouldn't last 5 minutes out here alone." She says and I nod.

"I did what I had to do to survive. It wasn't always good, but I did my best to block the bad parts out." I told her as we sat on a bench.

"It means a lot that you want to tell me all of this. You're safe now, but you're also always allowed to talk about everything that happened. That's your history, that's who you are." She says and I just hug her.

Maybe all that suffering wasn't for nothing.