Broken Toys - Johanna Mason x fem reader

Chapter 15 - Impatience

When Mary pulled me into a tight embrace, I froze. Was it real? I had dreamed a lot lately, happy dreams instead of nightmares. Somehow I dreaded those dreams even more. When I woke up, I always felt like I had lost something important. And then I remembered that my nightmares still existed, though they had turned to reality. It felt like my own mind was mocking me. Therefore it was hard for me to distinguish between dreams and reality. Nothing was too absurd or cruel to happen anymore. And at the same time, happy occurrings seemed simply too good to be true. 

It had taken a few days before my family had gotten the allowance to visit me. But now Mary and Livia were here, visiting me in the infirmary of district 13. Mary cried while holding me. 

I had shut my tears away. Otherwise I would never be able to stop them again. I could not allow me to break down now. Instead I needed to concentrate on getting Johanna back and supporting the rebellion. But President Coin had fended off all my attempts to persuade her to rescue the captives. Slowly but surely I started losing trust in her. I would always be grateful that she had saved my family from 11, but that did not mean I would follow her blindly. 

Mary told me about their time in district 13. Although the rules were strict, no one was starving and there were no harsh punishments. It was easy to improve the situation for people who had lived in misery before. 

"I wish I could have supported you. You must have felt so lonely", she stated sadly. 

I thought back to the last year. Thought about the day I had started leading the rebellion in district 11. About my sleepless nights that had been filled with nightmares, fear and grief. About the comforting phone calls with Johanna. She had not even said anything special. Just hearing her voice had made me feel better. Why had I not realized sooner how important she really was to me? Back then when our phone calls had stopped due to Snow, I had worked harder for the rebellion. Tried to blend everything else out. Tried to blend myself out like I was doing right now. I was working against myself, losing myself, to save myself. It did not make any sense and yet it appeared to be the only option for me right now. 

"The fact that you all were safe was more comforting than anything you could have done for me", I ensured her with an exhausted smile. 

Pain, numbness and exhaustion was everything I felt. Kind of contradicting. You should think that numbness could not come with any other emotions, yet it did. 

"(f/n), you've done so much already. Maybe you should rest properly", Mary advised me. 

Tomorrow my schedule would start, my training, preparation for the war. 

"I can't afford to rest. Everyone is fighting to change Panem." 

"You have to think about yourself, (f/n). There are a lot of people willing to fight. You are finally safe now. Don't jump into risking your life again and again."

Her words showed her concern, her love for me. I was aware of that, but she did not know how it was. What it meant to be a victor, a survivor of the Hunger Games. As a victor safety simply did not exist. You could never turn back. You had a responsibility for the lives you had taken. And Snow did not neglect his victors either. 

But if I said that to Mary, it would just hurt her more. She wanted me to be safe and happy. So, I took another direction. "What about the people of the districts? Where is their safety? Where is their choice? Mary, I'm not one of the Capitol's citizens who leans back and watches. I'm a citizen of district 11. I haven't forgotten my life before becoming a victor. If I don't fight now, it only shows that the Capitol controls me. I may be the Capitol's pawn, but I won't play after Snow's rules. Though I have to get Johanna out of there. And Annie and Peeta."