I am hazy
And I can't speak
I get so choked up sometimes
The words inside me
Turn into a tidal wave
Of fruit pulp
Running under my feet
Carrying whichever thought
Rushes through
I'm in a different kingdom
Locked inside my room
Crouching near the door
Theorizing conspiracies
To punish me for my sins
The words ring from the keyhole
Echo through the airwaves
And I am hazy
Overwhelmed and overburdened
By freedom and creativity
The virtue this talentless fuck
Attempts to base its social persona upon
To be what? To be what?
What we are is somehow
Essentially ours
And essentially a part of everything else
As we all are
As it all is
Someway, I think
Riding all along a hazy train of thought
Attempting to dig into self criticism
Get a wave of hippie spirituality
How vintage, how groovy
What a cool fuckin' chick
At the same time as everyone else
And you're pathetic because it hurts
Anyway
Get a wave of hippie spirituality
And you've run a mile
Away from the original tangent of criticism
You were pretending to want to drive about yourself
She's so emotionally intelligent
She's so mature
I have been roaming this godforsaken earth
For damn near 22 years (in, as of now
Five months, five months to go)
I'll get there in a matter of months
And I live with my mom
And I spend cobsiderable portions
Of wages on dumb shit
And it's nice to believe I could leave
If I just tried
And I'll try, I promise I'll try
But I can't forget
That things don't always work out
I have been roaming this godforsaken earth
For damn near 22 years
And I've abandoned my passions
I've abandoned my dreams
Upon hurdles large and small alike
And I'm also so goddamn
Mentally ill it's not funny
It's just unpleasant
For me and the people around me
And here I am
Praying for sleep
And praying for silence
For a pillow full of hair
A nice cold scalp
And overreaching
Evermonologuing
Overthinking
Too cheap for proper treatment
Too generous in my hand
In houseplants
From and for my friends
As always
I am hazy
But I can speak
Like when I was a teenager
Drowning in the bathrooms of house parties
Assuring my friends
"I'm okay, I've got this"
Through the other side
Of a locked door
Except I'm no longer a teenager
And I did that last week
Out in the open, out in the grass
I get lost and hurt alike
Trying to find stars above me
Investing in both the future and past
