Halcyon

Part 80

I find them. Both our names written down in her simple handwriting.

We can't bring ourselves to open them, so silently we've shared the bottle back and forth before it emptied.

"What do you think yours says?" I look down at my side at her question. My letter sits unopened at my side.

"I don't know..." I run my hands down my face, "if I'm being honest, I don't think I'm ready for another breakdown." She chuckles as I glance over at her to see she's lifted her envelope to the sole light source.

"There's definitely something in it." Then she starts opening it. "I should have done something more, God, I should have conceived her to move across the country with me if I knew she'd end up..." she doesn't finish.

I watch her pupils move from left to right, left to right and over again, she shakes her head before folding it back up. "She's so fucking selfish...so stubborn and selfish!"

"Why are you talking about her like that?"

"Am I lying?!" She stumbles as she stands. "I'm going home, I can't fucking cope with this anymore-"

"Wait," I stumble after her, "you're tipsy you shouldn't leave in this state."

"What do you want me to do? Stay? And do what? Bond with you? You might be going through shit right now, but that doesn't change the fact that you too are a murderer! You killed her!"

"I did not kill her!" I step forth.

"Yes you did! I told her- I told you! This was only going to end with her death!"

"I could have done better I know-"

"You could have left her the fuck alone! I warned you Tamir! I told you," her eyes well up. "I told you you'd be the death of her, she was too good for you, your not worth her love," each word, each true phrase, digs deeper into the already salty wound. "You're a menace you know that!"

"Shut up..."

"You see what you did! She was murdered under your protective! You killed her!" She continues to shout, vile words, true accusations. She points at me, still screaming, her eyes bloodshot and her cheeks red from the alcohol. You killed her. The words ring.

I killed her, I killed her, I killed her.

"I told you to shut up!" I roar over her. Her eyes fill with dead fear as I watch her lips part, her hands rise in caution as if she's surrendering. "Keep talking like that...and I'll show you what a menace I can truly be." My voice is tight not meaning the words I just said.

She takes a step back going off balance and I want to lower my gun, I want to take it out her face but I'm frozen. Her words froze me here.

She watches me regain my senses before I storm off into the front of the shop. "You fucking idiot," I groan to myself lifting a table and flip it on it's side, "what the hell is wrong with you?!" I chuck a smaller table sending it further.

I'm throwing a tantrum, like a child.

I am worth her love! I am! I have to be! I changed to be! I tried to change to be...I wanted so bad to be worth her love....it has to amount to something. How am I supposed to show her now that she's gone?

"I didn't mean to..." I drop to me knees, "I didn't mean to kill her." My heart beats in my ears, drumming over my thoughts, but I'm choking. On the guilt, the grief, the expired love, I'm choking so hard that I can't breath. I can't breath and my drumming heart is overpowering me.

"Calm down," concerned hands touch me.

"Don't fucking touch me!" I shove her away.

"I'm sorry okay! Please...just calm down!"

"I swear I didn't mean to..." I'm repeating.

"Im sorry," the warmth of her hands reach out to me once more. "You didn't kill her...you didn't kill her," I'm taken into her embrace, like a little boy does to his mother whenever he's hurt, I weep in her arms.

I didn't kill her, I didn't kill her, I didn't.

I remember the words; you'll be okay, as I sit with my back stuck to the wall. I can't decide which on is heavier, my heart or my eyes. I don't need to decide, a subject change is what I need. "What happened to your little boyfriend?"

She lets out a tired breath. "I think he's had enough of my shit. Disappearing for countless hours a day, coming back only to knock out drunk, never picking up calls or answering his texts."

"You believe that's all it would take?"

"I don't know what to believe anymore," I glance over at her to see she's folded her arms on her knees and is faced away from me, "I've yet to plan anything for her. Just told everyone she's dead and to leave me alone...so far, it's working."

A few silent beats pass by and just as I'm about to ask another question she beats me to it. "I know what she would have wanted, we had a stupid conversation about it...didn't think it would actually come true though."

I throw my head back letting it bang on the wall before letting a sigh out. "If she were here right now, she would have given me one heavy right hook...for pulling a gun out on you."

She laughs sniffing and picks her head up. "I'd have to sit through yet another double date just so we could tolerate each other once more," she chuckles this time, soft and sad. "She wouldn't ever shut up about you-"

"You're no better," I cut her off before she could continue. "Kate this, Kate and I that." She cracks up a little harder. "God, sometimes I'd have to remind her that I'm not dating you."

"Oh my gosh," she chuckles. "She is something else." I hum an agreement. I feel her gaze on me and for a split second, I hesitate before glancing over at her. She's visibly exhausted and it's clear the alcohol is wearing off, we've been here for hours. "I don't like you." At that second I can't hide my smile.

"That much I know."

"But thank you...for making her so happy." I nod not able to form any words. "Do you know...who killed her?"

"I'll find them." She watches me. "They'll die at my hands, I can promise you that." She nods focusing her gaze else where.

I'll avenge her. That much I know.