Rheostat

4.Damnation

A L E J A N D R O

I was losing myself.

It was a slow and painful process.

Feeling the last bits of your soul crumble, bit by bit, hurt more than any words can convey.

What hurt even more was the realization that there was nothing I could do but silently watch it happen.

I was being held hostage by my own mind. And I tried, I tried my best to break free.

To break the shackles restraining my sanity, to break past my demons.

I did everything I could think of. I took the stupid pills the therapist prescribed, I avoided the triggers, I tried to move on, I tried to forget.

But nothing helped.

Because all they needed was one weakness and they would gnaw out the rest. Tear me apart until there was nothing left but hatred and vengeance.

And a part of me liked it.

It liked to see her hurt. To see her suffering. When she struggled to hold her tears and failed the very next moment, a part of me felt liberated, contented.

A sick part in me truly believed I was serving my Selene justice, helping her soul to rest in peace.

But what was even worse was days like today.

Rare days, when the voices would go away, giving me back my sanity only to take it away again.

Days when it dawned on me what I was truly doing.

When I was forced to acknowledge the fact that I was hurting an innocent child, ruining my family in the process, destroying their chance at happiness.

The moment I had opened my eyes this morning, I knew it would be one of those days, when breathing would become a chore.

When the need to kill myself would overpower all my other thoughts.

I walked to the back garden, it was Selene's favourite place in the entire mansion.

I never understood why though, the place had become a jungle from lack of care.

But when asked she would shrug in response, saying the wilted flowers reminded her of herself, of unspoken tragedies.

And no matter how much I would pry after that, she would stay silent.

I sat on the rusted swing, it creaked, weighing down, I was almost afraid it would break.

My head snapped to my right, the rustling of leaves alerting me.

No one was supposed to be here. There were snakes and all types of rodents running free, so none of the servants neither my children came here.

I followed the noise, the path getting deeper and thicker as I proceeded. The trees surrounded the entire place, enveloping the area in darkness.

The sunlight still managed to peek in, lighting the path enough for me to not stumble in the way.

I paused when I reached a clearing, there was a small fort in the center, loosely made by fallen tree branches and bamboo.