Rheostat

13.Marshmallow

I didn't get the closure I had hoped for.

But the visit to Mother's grave had made all of it worth it.

"Don't be late for dinner," Stephen gently reminded before getting inside his room.

I wasn't in the mood to return to my room, so I decided to go explore the rest of the third floor.

The third floor had 8 rooms. I had already explored the gym, music room and Stephen's study.

If my memory serves right, there should be a huge library here. I had vague memories of spending most of my day there with Kai.

I didn't really like reading books. Even though most of my classmates would often say it was an escape for them, I never shared their opinion.

I wasn't surprised to find Kai sitting on one of the couches placed in the library, a book in his hand. I picked a random book out of the shelves and accompanied him.

I didn't care about the rest of my siblings. Maybe a little.

But Kai was different. I wanted to get close to him. Make him love me again.

'No one will love you. Ever.'

I ignored the voices, though, it didn't help much. The more I ignore them, the more persistent they seemed to become.

I tried to be quiet with my movements, but Kai still heard me. He immediately sat up straight, looking at me with annoyed eyes.

"Disgusting."

Did he say something?

"What?" I asked.

The annoyance in Kai's eyes intensified, "I said you disgust me."

I couldn't detect any lie in his voice. But I didn't understand. Kai used to love me so much and now just the sight of me disgusts him?

Why?

'Told you so.'

"Tell me, Aylin," Kai paused before asking, "Don't you get tired?"

Hmm? Tired of what?

Kai answered the question without me asking, "Tired of always trying to be like Eve? But get this in your non-existent brain, you will never be her."

I wasn't trying to be her. I really wasn't. I wanted to shout it at him, but he had already left.

Granted, I had tried my best to copy her in the past, but did he have the right to still hold it over my head?

I rushed to my room, feeling nausea building up.

I looked at the bathroom mirror and was horrified to find Eveline staring back at me.

It took me a moment to realize it wasn't Eveline but me staring back through the mirror.

Kai was right.

I look like a clone of her.

"You disgust me."

Kai's voice kept ringing inside my head. It merged with the voices in my head. I couldn't tell apart his voice anymore.

"You disgust me."

They shouted from all directions without any stop.

"You disgust me."

From the corner of my eyes, I caught a glint of silver. Grabbing the scissors from the half-opened cabinet, I chopped off my hair.

You won't have to be disgusted anymore.

Without hesitation, I cut my waist-length hair until it reached no further down my shoulders.

He will love me again, right? I no longer looked like Eve.

No, my face still looked like hers. I have to change it. I don't know how but I have to.

'Scar it,' the voice suggested.

Yes, maybe I should scar it. Then we will surely look different. I raised the scissors in my hand to slash it against my face. But before it could barely graze my face, the scissor was roughly smacked out of my hand. It fell to the floor, out of my reach.

I looked up to find Eveline looking at me with wide eyes filled with fear.

Angry at her interruption, I shouted, "Why did you stop me?!"

"You-you were trying to hurt your face." She stuttered, still in shock.

But I wouldn't let her ruin my plans. Not again.

"Don't you get it? It's all your fault! If I didn't look like you, Kai would still care for me." I exclaimed. Why didn't she understand such a simple fact?

My eyes hurriedly searched for the scissors on the floor. Once I spotted it, I tried to grab it. But Eveline seemed to have read my intentions for before my hand could grab it she kicked it further away from me.

I turned to look at her, my eyes burning with rage, "Why do you hate me so much?"

Why couldn't she just let me be happy? She already had everything. Everyone loved her. Why was she still so insistent on taking my one chance at getting Kai back?

Tears streamed down her eyes, and she stumbled one step backwards, "I don't hate you, Lili."

"Don't call me that." I snapped. "You have no right to call me that."

"Aylin," She choked up voice sounded, "What were you trying to do?"

What was I trying to do?

At her question, all my anger vanished. I looked at the mirror horrified. My left cheek was slightly bleeding. The cut wasn't severe, the blade had merely grazed it.

What was I doing?

If Eveline hadn't stopped me in time, I would really have done something irrecoverable.

My legs buckled up and I fell to the floor. I grabbed my hair in panic. What the fuck was wrong with my head? How could I even think about hurting myself like that?

"Aylin," Eveline called out softly, kneeling beside me.

Her voice broke me out of my thoughts. I looked at her in panic. She had seen the whole thing play out. If she were to rat me out to my brothers, I'd be doomed.

"Are you okay, Aylin?" Her concerned voice fueled my panic.

"You can't say a word of this to anyone," I told her, the urgency in my voice clear.

"I have to, Aylin. Let me tell Ezra at least. He will understand." She tried to convince me.

"Not a word to anyone," I threatened. "If you do, I'll never forgive you."

She looked at me with wide, unsure eyes.

"I'm okay, Eve. It was just a moment of weakness. Something like this will never happen again," I assured her.

If threatening didn't work, emotional manipulation would.

"You don't want them to send me away again, do you?" I asked her softly.

"They won't. Stephen won't." Eveline tried to convince me, but I wasn't going to bet on that.

"Please, Eve." I requested. "Just do this one thing for me?"

Eveline finally agreed, "But you have to tell me if something happens again."

"I promise," I was sure there won't be a second time.

If only I knew how wrong I was.