Rheostat

6.Redemption

A L E J A N D R O

I was weak.

A coward.

"Just one more step." I willed myself to take the last step, the one step separating me and her.

It had been more than a week already since I had last heard the voices. They had gone away just like they had come, unannounced.

But I wasn't glad even though that's what I had wanted for my whole life.

I found myself craving their presence. I wanted them back.

Because I had finally realized, insanity was a blessing in disguise.

It allowed me live a life without
guilt. It allowed me to be ignorant of my sins.

It allowed me to be sane.

And now that I was finally me, I no longer recognized myself.

I could no longer recognize the man I had become, the monster I had turned into, the path of sins I left behind.

And as I stood before the gates of cemetery, I was afraid she wouldn't recognize me either.

That she would hate what I had become.

She would detest me for not keeping my promise even though she was the one to break them first.

She would loathe me for hurting her children, for ruining the angel she died for.

But I knew I had to do this.

I had to stand accountable for the crimes I committed, no matter how unwilling I was.

Taking the last step, I entered the cemetery, walking to where her grave was.

The tombstone was clean, a fresh bouquet of orchids already lying there, making me wonder who had visited.

Stephen was too busy ostracizing my downfall, Diego wasn't home. Ezra didn't even have the time to sleep with how stressed he was about finding a cure to save me.

Noah and Eve both were holed up in their rooms, grieving, even though I was yet to die.

And Kai, well, he just didn't give a fuck.

I knelt before Selene's grave, shifting the flowers to the side so I could place the bouquet of orchids I had brought instead.

"I'm going to meet her today." I confessed.

The silence that followed was deafening. It made me wonder why I was so adamant on chasing after it until now.

"They named her Lili." I shared, realizing how so many years had passed and I never bothered to tell her about it. "It's short for Aylin."

A droplet of water fell, creating a wet patch on the smooth graphite.

I looked up realizing it had started raining.

A part of me was glad.

Glad that nature decided to help me out. To camouflage my tears, to let me pretend I was resilient.

"I don't know what to ask forgiveness for." I admitted.

Do I ask forgiveness for all the things I never became?

Or the things I did?

Do I ask forgiveness for disappointing my thirteen year self?

For breaking the vow my naive self had once swore.

For becoming a father even worse than my own.

"You will understand, won't you?" It was a plea, a prayer, a last desperation of a dying man.