Things that Irk me: Rants of Wattpad

I can't take it anymore

Jeez people are so inconsiderate that it makes me sometimes want to die

I know I don't really want to but still like anyone understands

There nobody makes me want to than those who I mentioned before.

I just break down and start almost hyperventilating, tearing up from my right eye and I just want to scream, but I cannot scream.  Its gone from all the pain, shock, and numbness.

I was never one to swear.  I just didn't and used insults that are more creative because swearing is the same insults.  In writing if you just put a swear/bad/curse word then it always be the same, but if you write it has to be unique and different in some sense.

Everything I deal with is it my fault?  Maybe it just me who is in the wrong and I been selfishly blinded by greed thinking I am not.  Maybe I am just a stupid spoiled brat.  They could of be right and I'm...

I'm just too selfish and stupid.

I'm so down right now.

I seriously want to cry, how immature.

I don't want attention.

You know I realized when I was sick, they were nicer and I couldn't do anything for myself since I would spread sickness.  They had to.  They didn't care I was here all day writing or doing whatever, but now...

This morning I went down I was still kinda sick.  I usually come down stairs and eat first, but i was waiting for them to come down so I decided to read or write stuff.

But when they did I felt attacked?

Apparently I was suppose to know I should of gotten ready first upstairs and then eat?

I never do that, so why do you yell that I am suppose to do that.

A weekend we're going somewhere, I know, but like how did I know.

I just do what I usually do on the week days.

I wanted to scream, my right eyes throbbing (No I am serious it seriously was) and it was seriously just crying out millions of droplets that I couldn't stop.  I made no noise, no sound.  I was just done.  Just stop yelling, screaming, and arguing.  Then maybe everything will be better.  Stop talking in a tense tone and maybe I be fine.  Maybe I won't get riled up so much.  I always make the one expression I feel to myself as I feel everything come crashing down.

It makes me want to go somewhere all by myself.  Let me go somewhere else, an empty isle filled with nothing but a pretty grass field where I can scream to the world.  A paradise of my own where just me and the ones that understand me.

I want to scream, but can't.  I have these weird gut tense feeling maybe anxiety inside.

But that not the worse part.

They say get outta there and actually face reality.  Apparently being in this corner (place where computer that I write is at) makes me not in this world.  For some reason it makes me "hiding" and makes me in "another world"...

Maybe it because I don't want to deal with people like you?

Have you ever thought you're the reason?

This is how I remain sane..

This is how I survive...

But everything I do or like is bad if it not going to be helpful later in life.

Words hurt.

They hurt way more than people know.

They hurt more than anything.

Words are like a physical punch or being beat up that reoccur over and over again.

Afterwards you always and will think of them and in your head and they never go away.

The words that feel the worst you remember the most, and the more kinder ones are easily forgotten because things that hurt impact you more as sad as it is.

I have to write a 750 word essay about a controversial topic and argue taking a side.  Every week I have one essay from a college since I have one college class plus my other high school classes.  They got mad because I was starting it today a day before its due.  They got mad because I tell them I always do this with my essays.  I start either Sriday-saturday.  It's due Sunday at 11:59pm.  Do you know why I am starting now?  It cause all of my other work I do during the week and during the weekends I start it.  Do you know how many words I write in a day?
More than 750, that's for sure!  I write about 1000 in a day.  It could be from googling things, sending messages to friends, and writing because I like it.

And I'm seriously done with things, like it makes me want to run away.  But I know I never survive on my own.  Sure they give me food and raised me, but it there own fault.  They raised me this way.

But maybe in the end it just my fault.  Maybe I am just more selfish than anyone.  Maybe I'm just a coward venting and ranting online or even paper and never to their faces.  But if I did that everything would be broken.  After all those accusations and things they say, I act I am fine and nothing bothering me.  Because I know if I did, it would become worse for me.  And maybe that is selfish of me.  Maybe it selfish not saying anything.  But I know of times when we actually argued, there was no point.  They would never budge or try to understand what I am saying.

Then they would act hurt and sad from it, like we are the ones in the wrong.  Then they don't do anything and wants us to apologize.  How is that our fault?

I have nothing left.  I see others and think wow they doing much better.

But my worst flaw in writing is when making characters going through hardships or troubles because then I can finally feel better and think,  'Hey at least I am not going through that and that sad fact alone makes me feel better about everything.'

 BAM I have written 1000 words while writing this vent.